Invisible

I'm sure you all have given up on me. Sometimes I think I have done the same. I think about blogging often. I miss it terribly. There is so much to be said for having a place to rest your brain while getting support.

Life is still a struggle for me. I'm still working the two jobs and I love both of them. I've been in the sign business for almost 10 years and in the safety business for two years this month. The agricultural job took me into the fields this summer and fall. It was some of the most physically demanding work I've ever done but it was also awesome to know that I was capable.

My weight continues to frustrate me. I've gained about 45 pounds back. I haven't exercised much since summer and even then, wasn't as obsessed with it as I had been in the past. Gaining weight has taught me that I need to learn again to control my behaviors. The gastric bypass surgery still limits the amount of food that I can eat, even after 5 years and I'm thankful for that. My self esteem is in the crapper. I'm disgusted with myself. It's almost like I weigh nearly 400 pounds again as I look away when people look at me in hopes that they won't see me. I'm, becoming invisible again. Fat people are sometimes treated like they are invisible. At least fat WOMEN are. I don't see that happening with men.

Weight gain has also led to periods of depression. For me, they may only last a few minutes or a few days. Honestly, my life is not that terrible. I don't make a lot of money, but I have everything I need with the exception of health insurance. Don't get me going on that rant.

The man in my life has remained there for over two years. We still live over an hour apart. That has caused some issues in our relationship. I remain where I am for daughter #2. She's had so much change and I don't want to disrupt her any more than she has been.

Me, #1 and #2.

Sorry this has been depressing. Hopefully, Spring will be here and help change my attitude.

Blogging

I have given a lot of thought recently to blogging. I started blogging over 5 years ago. I never dreamed anyone would give a crap about what I had to say. Blogging gave me the courage to admit things that I wouldn't tell most people. It brought me a mental clarity to realize that my life was not what I wanted it to be. Blogging donated the confidence that I needed to make the changes necessary to set my life in motion. Without it, I'm not sure I would have ever had weight loss surgery.

Blogging has brought me many real life friends that I would never have had the pleasure of knowing without the help of the internet. These relationships are some of the strongest in friendships.

I am currently still in a relationship that began over a year ago. He lives over an hour away so we mostly see each when we can. I'm content with where our relationship is and don't feel the immediate need to change things. I'm enjoying making it on my own. I never dreamed that I would be able to pay my own way in life and make decisions completely alone. It's not as bad as I thought.

The guy doesn't agree with blogging. He thinks that it's an invasion of privacy. I tried to explain that blogging is like pen pals were back in the day when you couldn't wait to hear from your friend from afar. So, out of respect for him, I won't post pictures of him here. What follows are pictures taken during a camping trip last month that we took with my parents. It was 32 degrees but we had a blast despite the weather.

My youngest and me on Suicide Bend at Tippy Dam. Those tiny dots on the river are people fishing for Salmon.

Here we are on top of a metal giant grasshopper statue.

This was a giant fire pit. The focus was supposed to be on the colors behind me in the trees but the photographer (who shall remain nameless) didn't get them in the shot.

This is what 3 days of camping without running water looks like.

If any of you still read this, I thank you for that. I think about you often. :)

Bon Jour!

Well hello there! Yes, G-Man, I realize that I missed my quarterly post. That's because life has been so busy.

Firstly, my girls quickly came to their senses and came home. We worked things out. I think they realize that I am one of the few people in this world who will love them no matter what.

My oldest daughter graduated from high school 18th in a class of almost 300. Not too shabby. Because of her scholastic merits, she was able to get most of her first year of college paid for. In August, we took her 500 miles from home into the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and dumped her into her new life. I was surprised to find that my child, the child who has counted down the days to when she was leaving home since she was 11, was completely homesick. I never expected that, nor did she. She's still working on being a grown up. As she says, "Being an adult sucks!" I am so proud of her. She is an amazing girl.

Lake Superior with my girls

Last dinner as a family


Lake Michigan on the Cut River Bridge on the way home

Now, onto more unpleasant subjects, my weight. I have been struggling desperately with my weight (as you can see in the pictures). I am up 20 pounds from my lowest weight. My weight loss surgeon warned me that he has seen very few weight loss surgery patients that don't gain back at least 20 pounds. I am nearly 4 years out from surgery. Most people begin to gain in the 2nd year. I don't know how I was able to keep it off as long as I have. I know that my eating habits are not what they should be. I've also found that I have been compensating for stress with food. It's really killing me inside. I feel the old fat girl creeping back into my head. I know it affects the way I carry myself. I have no self confidence any more.

I pretty much spend my entire life worrying. I worry about my girls, money, my weight and about my love life. The stress is really getting to me. Being single is a lot of work, but I still have to remember that I made the right decision. I still have my house and recently paid off my van. The day after I paid off my van, my dad hit the front end and did $500 worth of damage.

One of the more worrisome things I have to worry about is my neighborhood. It had been a great neighborhood when I moved in 20 years ago. Unfortunately, many have lost their houses and they have been snatched up by slum lords who rent to drug dealers. On the night of July 4th, the house across the street had a bomb detonated between the two front doors. The front windows and doors were blown off and into my house. You haven't lived until you've heard a bomb at 1:30 AM literally jolt you physically out of bed, only to hear it raining glass on your house. I have never felt panic like that. The woman who lives there was only slightly injured because "Something told her to go into the other room and shut the door". Had she been in her normal spot, she would have been dead. This is not an attempted murder case. This is also one of 3 ongoing court cases revolving around that particular property. These include several different families who have moved in and out. It's pretty crappy when you are scared to death to go home.

So, yes, I am alive and kicking. Struggling, but kicking! I have been blogging for over 5 years. Where does the time go?

This Is How My Heart Breaks...

So, yeah, long absence again. A lot is going on in my life. I've been leery to post anything. I didn't even tell you all that I was published in a book this past December because of this blog. I was pretty excited, but trying to explain the book to non bloggers proved impossible. You can see the page I'm quoted on here.

I had to take on a second job. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world part time and still doing sign work. My new job consists of being the Safety Assistant. This job is agricultural and I have roots there so it's good to get back to them. I work two 10 hour days there and the other three days in the sign shop. So now I'm Safety/Signgurl.

Yeah, that's a Wintersteiger combine behind me. It's bad ass and German!!

My weight keeps me struggling. I resigned myself to the fact that I will be 15 pounds heavier in the winter. I tried to continue walking and ended up hurting my back when I slipped on the ice. The injury put me out of work for a week. I still weigh myself every day and my mood depends on what that stupid scale says. Most days it tells me what a fat piece of crap I am. Losing over 200 pounds and I still feel like a fat blob. I wish I could get some of that confidence I had a while back. At one point, I felt like I could take on the world. I'm working my way back to that feeling.

This next part will be hard for me to write. In fact, some would tell me not to write it, but I'm gonna anyway. I've struggled with loneliness. No one can understand who hasn't truly been alone, as in get up alone, work and come home to no one for a week at a time. THAT is being alone. I dated and met a few nice guys. Once I met one that I enjoyed spending all of my time away from my kids with I decided it was time to introduce him to my kids. (We have been dating since October.) Let's just say that the first time they met things were great. But the next time, since he lives an hour away, I told him to stay at our house and he slept in my bed. This did not go over well with the girls. They have both decided that they would rather live with their dad (who is living an alternative lifestyle *wink*) . To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I have never been hurt as deeply as my own children have hurt me. I shut down completely. I didn't eat or talk to anyone for 2 days. I needed to be alone to get those ugly feelings out. I needed to cry and yell and scream without anyone judging me. My kids have been my life for almost 18 years. I am lost without them.


My issue with all of this is why is it ok for their dad to see whomever he wants but when mom decides to bring someone home, she is a disrespectful mother. A friend reminded me that I have always been the rock and since dad decided to change completely, they looked to me to keep things the way they had always been. They cannot see me happy with anyone other than their father.

Thankfully, the "guy" was able to convince me to get up and dust myself off. He told me that I was a g00d mother (my mom says that too, but she's my mom so she has to). He showed me that he was there for me. He saved my life.

I know I've made mistakes with my girls. I tell them that daily. I'm going to make more. I now realize that this is all just a game to two teenagers who didn't give a lot of thought to the feelings of the person who loves them more than anyone in this world could. They are teens so I have to forgive them for they know not what they do.

So, this is how my heart breaks and will hopefully be mended soon.

My Quarterly Post

January leaves me thankful that the holidays are over. I spent my first holidays completely alone. Christmas Eve the girls were with me during the day but left for the night to go to their dad's. As I sat staring at empty stockings lining the roaring fireplace, I lost it. I cried because my girls had never slept anywhere but here for Christmas Eve. I realized that no children would come bounding down the stairs at 4 am for the first time in 17 years. I wouldn't have to worry about negotiating with them to go back to sleep until at least 6 am.

So, I pulled myself together and decided to quit feeling sorry for myself and went to bed. I woke up with a brighter outlook and felt better for having made it through the night alone on Christmas for the first time in my life. Christmas day was filled with family and the girls were once again with me for a while.

My brother in law, sister, me, and #2.

My birthday was the week before Christmas and I had a great day. I got to see many friends who proved their love to me. I had an excellent dinner with family and friends. After dinner, the girls bought the cutest little cake. It was delicious!


Midnight on New Years Eve found me alone as well. Some plans fell through at the last minute. So, I decided why not spend yet another holiday alone. Several of my friends called me just after midnight which was awesome. Thank God I have friends or I'm not sure how I would made it.

My girls keep me going. They are everything to me. I'm really sad that #1 will be going off to college this fall. She was accepted at Michigan Tech but is holding out for University of Michigan. U of M hasn't denied her, but hasn't accepted her either. Oddly enough, she was happy to get this news. We should find out this spring whether she will be accepted.

Financially I'm still in a terrible position. Mr. Sign lost his job in July and I lost half my income when child support stopped. Honestly, I have no idea how I've made it this far. I am thankful daily for all that I have, but most thankful for my girls!

#2, me and #1 at a birthday party

3 Years Later

This was me three years ago. I'm smiling on the outside, but inside I was crying, maybe even screaming because I was so unhappy with myself.


Three years ago today, I was wheeled into surgery believing that I was going to die on the table. When you weigh 384 pounds, you don't have much hope that you will go on living.

Who knew how much my life would change? I have my life back now. I broke out of a body that was my prison. I'm able to do things that I never dreamed my body could. I can run and wrestle with my girls.

While life has really been kicking me in the butt, lately, I realize that I'm still better off than I've ever been in my life. I have so much to be thankful for.

The costume I wore last night to a party.

Moving On

I've been officially divorced for just over a week. Things are starting to feel better as far as being on my own goes. The panic has begun to subside ever so slightly. I can't believe there could be any more tears left in this body. Do they ever stop? I absolutely hate my emotions, or at least hate showing them to others.

I'm putting together a plan that will hopefully allow me to keep my house and get Mr. Sign's name off of the mortgage. I never dreamed that I would be so set financially one minute and so destitute the next. How does that happen? Michigan's economy sucks!

A friend made a point about how I view myself. Honestly, I still see only flaws when I look in the mirror. I see the remnants of disregarding myself emotionally and physically. A life spent not giving a crap about what I was doing to myself by ignoring my own basic needs. So, every day, I make a point to try and see something good about myself. It's a struggle.

My weight has stabilized at close to my lowest weight. I still make sure that I get all the protein in that I need to. I eat pretty much what I want but still in very small quantities. Gaining weight still petrifies me.

My dating life is making me insane. This could be because the fat girl in my head just won't die. She yells at me that I'm just not good enough for anyone. She taunts me and tells me that people are snickering behind my back. She doesn't allow me much happiness.

My life feels like it's on hold right now. It seems like I'm waiting for something but I have no idea what it is. I hope it's a good surprise because I'm at the point that I'm not sure I can handle many more bumps. Now, where's my helmet?