Read This Sign

Invisible

2012-01-19T14:59:00.009-05:00

I'm sure you all have given up on me. Sometimes I think I have done the same. I think about blogging often. I miss it terribly. There is so much to be said for having a place to rest your brain while getting support.

Life is still a struggle for me. I'm still working the two jobs and I love both of them. I've been in the sign business for almost 10 years and in the safety business for two years this month. The agricultural job took me into the fields this summer and fall. It was some of the most physically demanding work I've ever done but it was also awesome to know that I was capable.

My weight continues to frustrate me. I've gained about 45 pounds back. I haven't exercised much since summer and even then, wasn't as obsessed with it as I had been in the past. Gaining weight has taught me that I need to learn again to control my behaviors. The gastric bypass surgery still limits the amount of food that I can eat, even after 5 years and I'm thankful for that. My self esteem is in the crapper. I'm disgusted with myself. It's almost like I weigh nearly 400 pounds again as I look away when people look at me in hopes that they won't see me. I'm, becoming invisible again. Fat people are sometimes treated like they are invisible. At least fat WOMEN are. I don't see that happening with men.

Weight gain has also led to periods of depression. For me, they may only last a few minutes or a few days. Honestly, my life is not that terrible. I don't make a lot of money, but I have everything I need with the exception of health insurance. Don't get me going on that rant.

The man in my life has remained there for over two years. We still live over an hour apart. That has caused some issues in our relationship. I remain where I am for daughter #2. She's had so much change and I don't want to disrupt her any more than she has been.

Me, #1 and #2.

Sorry this has been depressing. Hopefully, Spring will be here and help change my attitude.

Blogging

2010-11-12T06:12:00.009-05:00

I have given a lot of thought recently to blogging. I started blogging over 5 years ago. I never dreamed anyone would give a crap about what I had to say. Blogging gave me the courage to admit things that I wouldn't tell most people. It brought me a mental clarity to realize that my life was not what I wanted it to be. Blogging donated the confidence that I needed to make the changes necessary to set my life in motion. Without it, I'm not sure I would have ever had weight loss surgery.

Blogging has brought me many real life friends that I would never have had the pleasure of knowing without the help of the internet. These relationships are some of the strongest in friendships.

I am currently still in a relationship that began over a year ago. He lives over an hour away so we mostly see each when we can. I'm content with where our relationship is and don't feel the immediate need to change things. I'm enjoying making it on my own. I never dreamed that I would be able to pay my own way in life and make decisions completely alone. It's not as bad as I thought.

The guy doesn't agree with blogging. He thinks that it's an invasion of privacy. I tried to explain that blogging is like pen pals were back in the day when you couldn't wait to hear from your friend from afar. So, out of respect for him, I won't post pictures of him here. What follows are pictures taken during a camping trip last month that we took with my parents. It was 32 degrees but we had a blast despite the weather.

My youngest and me on Suicide Bend at Tippy Dam. Those tiny dots on the river are people fishing for Salmon.

Here we are on top of a metal giant grasshopper statue.

This was a giant fire pit. The focus was supposed to be on the colors behind me in the trees but the photographer (who shall remain nameless) didn't get them in the shot.

This is what 3 days of camping without running water looks like.

If any of you still read this, I thank you for that. I think about you often. :)

Bon Jour!

2010-10-01T06:21:00.008-04:00

Well hello there! Yes, G-Man, I realize that I missed my quarterly post. That's because life has been so busy.

Firstly, my girls quickly came to their senses and came home. We worked things out. I think they realize that I am one of the few people in this world who will love them no matter what.

My oldest daughter graduated from high school 18th in a class of almost 300. Not too shabby. Because of her scholastic merits, she was able to get most of her first year of college paid for. In August, we took her 500 miles from home into the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and dumped her into her new life. I was surprised to find that my child, the child who has counted down the days to when she was leaving home since she was 11, was completely homesick. I never expected that, nor did she. She's still working on being a grown up. As she says, "Being an adult sucks!" I am so proud of her. She is an amazing girl.

Lake Superior with my girls

Last dinner as a family

Lake Michigan on the Cut River Bridge on the way home

Now, onto more unpleasant subjects, my weight. I have been struggling desperately with my weight (as you can see in the pictures). I am up 20 pounds from my lowest weight. My weight loss surgeon warned me that he has seen very few weight loss surgery patients that don't gain back at least 20 pounds. I am nearly 4 years out from surgery. Most people begin to gain in the 2nd year. I don't know how I was able to keep it off as long as I have. I know that my eating habits are not what they should be. I've also found that I have been compensating for stress with food. It's really killing me inside. I feel the old fat girl creeping back into my head. I know it affects the way I carry myself. I have no self confidence any more.

I pretty much spend my entire life worrying. I worry about my girls, money, my weight and about my love life. The stress is really getting to me. Being single is a lot of work, but I still have to remember that I made the right decision. I still have my house and recently paid off my van. The day after I paid off my van, my dad hit the front end and did $500 worth of damage.

One of the more worrisome things I have to worry about is my neighborhood. It had been a great neighborhood when I moved in 20 years ago. Unfortunately, many have lost their houses and they have been snatched up by slum lords who rent to drug dealers. On the night of July 4th, the house across the street had a bomb detonated between the two front doors. The front windows and doors were blown off and into my house. You haven't lived until you've heard a bomb at 1:30 AM literally jolt you physically out of bed, only to hear it raining glass on your house. I have never felt panic like that. The woman who lives there was only slightly injured because "Something told her to go into the other room and shut the door". Had she been in her normal spot, she would have been dead. This is not an attempted murder case. This is also one of 3 ongoing court cases revolving around that particular property. These include several different families who have moved in and out. It's pretty crappy when you are scared to death to go home.

So, yes, I am alive and kicking. Struggling, but kicking! I have been blogging for over 5 years. Where does the time go?

This Is How My Heart Breaks...

2010-03-17T20:28:00.007-04:00

So, yeah, long absence again. A lot is going on in my life. I've been leery to post anything. I didn't even tell you all that I was published in a book this past December because of this blog. I was pretty excited, but trying to explain the book to non bloggers proved impossible. You can see the page I'm quoted on here.

I had to take on a second job. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world part time and still doing sign work. My new job consists of being the Safety Assistant. This job is agricultural and I have roots there so it's good to get back to them. I work two 10 hour days there and the other three days in the sign shop. So now I'm Safety/Signgurl.

Yeah, that's a Wintersteiger combine behind me. It's bad ass and German!!

My weight keeps me struggling. I resigned myself to the fact that I will be 15 pounds heavier in the winter. I tried to continue walking and ended up hurting my back when I slipped on the ice. The injury put me out of work for a week. I still weigh myself every day and my mood depends on what that stupid scale says. Most days it tells me what a fat piece of crap I am. Losing over 200 pounds and I still feel like a fat blob. I wish I could get some of that confidence I had a while back. At one point, I felt like I could take on the world. I'm working my way back to that feeling.

This next part will be hard for me to write. In fact, some would tell me not to write it, but I'm gonna anyway. I've struggled with loneliness. No one can understand who hasn't truly been alone, as in get up alone, work and come home to no one for a week at a time. THAT is being alone. I dated and met a few nice guys. Once I met one that I enjoyed spending all of my time away from my kids with I decided it was time to introduce him to my kids. (We have been dating since October.) Let's just say that the first time they met things were great. But the next time, since he lives an hour away, I told him to stay at our house and he slept in my bed. This did not go over well with the girls. They have both decided that they would rather live with their dad (who is living an alternative lifestyle *wink*) . To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I have never been hurt as deeply as my own children have hurt me. I shut down completely. I didn't eat or talk to anyone for 2 days. I needed to be alone to get those ugly feelings out. I needed to cry and yell and scream without anyone judging me. My kids have been my life for almost 18 years. I am lost without them.

My issue with all of this is why is it ok for their dad to see whomever he wants but when mom decides to bring someone home, she is a disrespectful mother. A friend reminded me that I have always been the rock and since dad decided to change completely, they looked to me to keep things the way they had always been. They cannot see me happy with anyone other than their father.

Thankfully, the "guy" was able to convince me to get up and dust myself off. He told me that I was a g00d mother (my mom says that too, but she's my mom so she has to). He showed me that he was there for me. He saved my life.

I know I've made mistakes with my girls. I tell them that daily. I'm going to make more. I now realize that this is all just a game to two teenagers who didn't give a lot of thought to the feelings of the person who loves them more than anyone in this world could. They are teens so I have to forgive them for they know not what they do.

So, this is how my heart breaks and will hopefully be mended soon.

My Quarterly Post

2010-01-13T11:26:00.001-05:00

January leaves me thankful that the holidays are over. I spent my first holidays completely alone. Christmas Eve the girls were with me during the day but left for the night to go to their dad's. As I sat staring at empty stockings lining the roaring fireplace, I lost it. I cried because my girls had never slept anywhere but here for Christmas Eve. I realized that no children would come bounding down the stairs at 4 am for the first time in 17 years. I wouldn't have to worry about negotiating with them to go back to sleep until at least 6 am.

So, I pulled myself together and decided to quit feeling sorry for myself and went to bed. I woke up with a brighter outlook and felt better for having made it through the night alone on Christmas for the first time in my life. Christmas day was filled with family and the girls were once again with me for a while.

My brother in law, sister, me, and #2.

My birthday was the week before Christmas and I had a great day. I got to see many friends who proved their love to me. I had an excellent dinner with family and friends. After dinner, the girls bought the cutest little cake. It was delicious!

Midnight on New Years Eve found me alone as well. Some plans fell through at the last minute. So, I decided why not spend yet another holiday alone. Several of my friends called me just after midnight which was awesome. Thank God I have friends or I'm not sure how I would made it.

My girls keep me going. They are everything to me. I'm really sad that #1 will be going off to college this fall. She was accepted at Michigan Tech but is holding out for University of Michigan. U of M hasn't denied her, but hasn't accepted her either. Oddly enough, she was happy to get this news. We should find out this spring whether she will be accepted.

Financially I'm still in a terrible position. Mr. Sign lost his job in July and I lost half my income when child support stopped. Honestly, I have no idea how I've made it this far. I am thankful daily for all that I have, but most thankful for my girls!

#2, me and #1 at a birthday party

3 Years Later

2009-10-25T14:44:00.006-04:00

This was me three years ago. I'm smiling on the outside, but inside I was crying, maybe even screaming because I was so unhappy with myself.

Three years ago today, I was wheeled into surgery believing that I was going to die on the table. When you weigh 384 pounds, you don't have much hope that you will go on living.

Who knew how much my life would change? I have my life back now. I broke out of a body that was my prison. I'm able to do things that I never dreamed my body could. I can run and wrestle with my girls.

While life has really been kicking me in the butt, lately, I realize that I'm still better off than I've ever been in my life. I have so much to be thankful for.

The costume I wore last night to a party.

Moving On

2009-10-15T20:29:00.002-04:00

I've been officially divorced for just over a week. Things are starting to feel better as far as being on my own goes. The panic has begun to subside ever so slightly. I can't believe there could be any more tears left in this body. Do they ever stop? I absolutely hate my emotions, or at least hate showing them to others.

I'm putting together a plan that will hopefully allow me to keep my house and get Mr. Sign's name off of the mortgage. I never dreamed that I would be so set financially one minute and so destitute the next. How does that happen? Michigan's economy sucks!

A friend made a point about how I view myself. Honestly, I still see only flaws when I look in the mirror. I see the remnants of disregarding myself emotionally and physically. A life spent not giving a crap about what I was doing to myself by ignoring my own basic needs. So, every day, I make a point to try and see something good about myself. It's a struggle.

My weight has stabilized at close to my lowest weight. I still make sure that I get all the protein in that I need to. I eat pretty much what I want but still in very small quantities. Gaining weight still petrifies me.

My dating life is making me insane. This could be because the fat girl in my head just won't die. She yells at me that I'm just not good enough for anyone. She taunts me and tells me that people are snickering behind my back. She doesn't allow me much happiness.

My life feels like it's on hold right now. It seems like I'm waiting for something but I have no idea what it is. I hope it's a good surprise because I'm at the point that I'm not sure I can handle many more bumps. Now, where's my helmet?

It's Over, or So I Thought

2009-10-06T19:28:00.005-04:00

Mr. Sign and I went back to court today and I wasn't exactly sure that the mean judge was going to ok our divorce. She made me sit on the witness stand and answer questions. It felt strange to say that there was a breakdown of my marriage with irreconcilable differences. It was hard because another couple that was divorcing after us was in the courtroom listening. The husband was a big burly guy and he cried the entire time I was answering questions. It was all I could do to keep myself together as the judge agreed to the terms of our divorce. I was then taken into a small room to watch the clerk stamp all the paperwork with my freedom ingrained in it's pages.

I thought I had worked through all my thoughts and feelings on this subject. More emotions have poured out of me in the last year than have ever come out in the entirety of my life. I was feeling quite self assured that life would be good for me and my girls. Even after Mr. Sign lost his job and stopped giving me support (1/2 my income), I still had a pretty good attitude. I was determined to make it no matter what. I kept it together for my girls' sake.

Today after court I decided to race the thunderstorm and get my yard mowed and put some flower beds to sleep for the winter. I felt pretty good about what I'd done. The pork roast I had in the oven smelled heavenly as I came in from my chores. Mr. Sign and the girls and I had a wonderful dinner together that was a little more quiet than I had hoped. I thought maybe there would be a little reminiscing and even laughter.

After dinner Mr. Sign waited to take #1 to college visitation night at school. Sitting there looking at him made me have fits of sheer panic and terror about every detail of my life. I was worried about money, my girls' well being and my own loneliness and desolation. I'm feeling like I'll never be loved again by a man and that I'll spend the rest of my life completely alone. I sat and cried harder than I've cried. I know I scared my daughters. The youngest gave me a big hug and a kiss. She didn't say anything. That hug meant more to me than any other I've received.

The flood of emotions can stop at any time. I was sure I would make this look easy. As I sit here listening to the wind howl, I'm reminded that no matter what happens now, it's all up to me.

Worries

2009-10-02T00:18:00.000-04:00

My life has become one worry after another. This week, I found myself in such an uptight state, that I think I've actually developed an ulcer. I mean, I'm worrying about some ridiculous things, like why my hair is always a mess or why can't someone besides me clean the cat boxes. Most of my concerns have come from financial woes. I hate not being in control of my destiny. One strange phenomenon I've noticed about being single is that if I put money in the bank, it's actually still there when I check on it. There is no one but me to spend it. That is definitely a bonus.

Because Mr. Sign and I share custody of the girls, I spend a lot of time alone now. I've never been alone for more than a day at a time in my entire life. I spent every minute that I could with my girls, being a stay at home mom for 10 years and then being as actively involved in their school as humanly possible. It's so strange to not know now what they are doing every minute and especially weird to have to entertain myself. I ride my bike 20 miles a day and still work out every morning. My house has never been cleaner.

I had moments this week where I actually questioned my decision to become single. I thought about how charmed my life had been. I had everything I needed including wonderful kids, a great house and car, awesome health and a husband who loved me. I'm the one who decided to put the fairy tale to an end. Was I out of my mind? Nah, I couldn't live my life in a lie. While I reflect on the time I spent as a married person, I realize that I had many good years and I don't regret any of them. But, I needed to look toward the future and my own happiness instead of the happiness of everyone around me. It was time for me to take care of me. If all goes well, I will officially be divorced on Tuesday, October 6, 2009. I'll have a little piece of paper that will end 22 years of togetherness.

Trust me when I tell you how weird it is to date. It's been 22 years since I had the privilege of worrying about what I'm going to wear, where we are going, who's going to pay and what are we going to talk about. I do admit to loving the butterflies when I first meet someone. I've had excellent responses from almost all of my dates. Most of them I have met on line and they have all been just what they portrayed themselves to be.

One guy in particular had such a great introduction message that I couldn't resist. I ended up adding to his story line and we went back and forth with this whole scenario for almost a month. Neither of us had said anything real in that time but decided that we should meet. So, I met him at a swanky bar downtown that I'd never been to. It was comical that we sat in a horseshoe shaped booth at opposite sides. He asked if he would recognize any of my sign work. I told him that we do all the directional signs for one of the local hospitals. He asked me if I knew "stepdad's name here". I said that I might know him a little bit. I asked him how they were acquainted. He said, "I was the engineering supervisor for the hospital project and worked with "stepdad's name here" and thought he was such a great guy. I yelled out, "You are (fill in guy's name here)!" He wondered how I knew his full name since we hadn't swapped surnames. Come to find out, he and I had talked many times on the phone and had emailed when he ordered signs, but had never met. Anyway, as the night, the loud band and our drinking progressed, we got closer and closer in the booth. We discussed the fact that we had both been married almost 20 years each and had only "we" stories. I still can't talk about anything without saying we, as in we did this and we went there. We decided it was time for us both to make some "me" stories. After the night ended with me going in for the hug, he messaged me that we had just made a "we" story. I retorted that at least it wasn't a "wee" story.

So, we have had several dates since. We both decided to move slowly. I'm not so sure now that I want to move as slowly as him, but he's worth waiting for. The fat girl in me worries about my weight, extra skin and low self confidence when it comes to him. He's very physically fit and downright thin. My brain tells me that he's going to reject me and throw me back to the wolves. I've told him several things about myself that would send most men screaming and yet he's still hanging around. I hold my breath every day that he still wants to see me. I love the butterflies and hate them at the same time. I'm learning to enjoy the ride, be it a slow one when I'm used to flying down that roller coaster. Maybe slower really is better. Hmmmm...

Four Years!!

2009-09-27T09:20:00.000-04:00

You may have noticed that I've been blogging a bit again as of late. Quite honestly, I've missed putting my brain here for the world to see. Blogging has brought me through some of the most introspective times of my life. Without it, I know wholeheartedly that I wouldn't be where I am today, a nearly divorced, much healthier single mother of two.

Four years ago I was in a terrible place, both mentally and physically. I weighed nearly 400 pounds and knew that my marriage was definitely on the rocks. At that time, Mr. Sign had decided to go back to school which left me with oodles of time on my hands at night. So, I picked up the laptop and started playing on line Scrabble. I tired of that and somehow stumbled onto someone's blog. I read it with trepidation, feeling like I was reading someone's diary and shouldn't have been. I was elated to see that people had left comments on the blog. It took me about a week to get up the courage to try my own hand at writing a blog. The trick was finding anyone who cared to read this crap. Writing was titillating for me and I was excited to have an outlet for my brain waves.

Blogging gave me the strength to realize that I was trapped in a body that I had all but abandoned. Blogging allowed me to see just how completely unhappy I made myself. I hated that body because it held me back from life and all the things I wanted to do, but was physically unable to do. I couldn't run and play with my daughters because I could barely get my own butt out of a chair by myself. I felt terrible for the time I had wasted being fat. Don't get me wrong. I was an active fat person, at least as active as I could be at that weight. I knew people could call me fat, but I would never allow them to call me lazy.

Blogging also brought about a huge revelation for me. It was here that I was able to divulge for the first time, the abuse I had suffered as a child. I spent most of my life trying to block out memories but found that they surfaced at the most inopportune moments. I decided it was time to face facts and get it into the open. I'm still dealing with all of this and the effects it's had on me.

So, four years of my life are here on this blog, and what a four years it's been. I've been up, down, kicked around, but I'm still plugging away. Every day I wonder what life has in store for me. Sometimes I miss monotony. But, man, am I having fun!

Flash 55, Take 58

2009-09-25T11:11:00.002-04:00

Flood waters came washing over her
as panic took control. How was she going
to get out of this one?

She felt the tide pull as her hair floated around her face.
She struggled to come to the top. She was drowning.

A knock on the door followed by, "Mom, get out of the bathroom!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you
can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Getting Stronger

2009-09-22T10:00:00.001-04:00

Once again, my absence from the blog world was by choice as I wasn't sure I wanted to share what's been going on in my life. But, I felt the need to put something here.

As I said in the previous post, I was in a relationship that got kind of serious. I had led myself to believe that I wasn't as attached as he was. Something changed in our relationship. I saw that he was broken and I tried to fix him. I suppose I try to fix everything. That's what I do, only he didn't want to be fixed. So, even though I knew we were completely wrong for each other and needed to split, the end still hurt beyond belief.

I picked myself up and decided to jump full force back into the dating world and just have fun with it, meeting some incredible people. Dating is really fun! It's very strange for me to have so many suitors. I still have a hard time believing that someone would want to spend time with me, but it's so nice to be out living life.

There have been some glitches on the divorce end of things. As soon as Mr. Sign signed the settlement papers, he lost his job due to downsizing. What this means for me is that I now make more money than he does and I may have to pay him child support. This was a real kick in the pants for me but I'm a survivor! I will prevail! Things monetarily have been very tough without his support for the girls. Luckily, I was able to save some money and have been living on that for the past couple of months. I'm in panic mode about it now as those funds have dried up. We now have a new court date of October 6th and if all the paperwork goes through, a little piece of paper will end 22 years of my life and tell me that I'm free.

I think I need to add some of the fun I've had recently and what fun I've had!

Want S'More(s)?

Pole dancing with my cousin (she is on the left)

One night #1 and a few friends decided to go sightseeing in our city. We ran across this mobile cow and Udder Chaos ensued (see below).

Funniest part of the night!

Me and my momma always dress alike. Not really, but she bought me this shirt.

My best friend, our friend from high school, whom we hadn't seen in 20 years
(visiting from China) and me.

The crew on my two best friends' (the other blondes) 40th birthdays (taken last weekend)

My girls

Getting our grove on!!

So, my weight is back in check and I'm growing stronger every day, both physically and mentally. I'm still exercising like a crazy person, working out every morning and then riding my bike 20 miles 5 nights a week. I've worked too hard to go back to my old habits. Still working on loving myself and the person within. I am a work in progress, but who isn't?

Where Have You Been?

2009-06-22T11:30:00.000-04:00

Out living life of course!! Adjusting to single life seems to be suiting me, although being alone took a bit to get used to.

Mr. Sign remains amicable and generous. As a matter of fact, he and I are often seen together which confuses people immensely. It's hard to tell old friends we encounter that we are in fact getting divorced but still friends. Apparently, this is quite uncommon. The most beautiful part is that we get to go to separate homes at the end of the day.

The divorce is moving slowly, at my discretion. We decided that neither of us is in a great hurry to be officially divorced. This benefits me in that I get to keep health insurance benefits until all is said and done.

We are sharing custody of the girls who seem to be adjusting well as far as I can tell.

I started dating a great guy almost 6 months ago. He decided to have weight loss surgery, not because of me, but because he wanted to change his life. When he came to me, I told him he needed to do his own research and make that decision on his own. So, last week he became a member of the weight loss surgery group.

Our relationship seemed to get serious despite my warnings. I was afraid I was going to break his heart so I took things one day at a time. We both fell head over heals for each other and honestly, I never dreamed I would let my feelings get so intense. Over the months, things started to feel like we were married. We decided because we live an hour apart, that we should slow things down. Neither of us wants to be married again, but would rather like to enjoy each other's company. We are now happily dating and remain hopeful that two people can be a little more than "great friends".

Another new love has crept into my life as well. I am now bicycling 125 miles a week. I went out to get in my car to walk one day and saw the bike sitting there. I thought, "What the heck?" and threw it in the car only to ride 21 miles on my first trip. Our city has an amazing river trail that is one of the most beautiful in the U.S. I don't have to worry about getting hit on the road by a car.

The end of the River Trail.

My weight is still fluctuating about 5 pounds up and down. I decided to accept my accomplishements and continue being as active as possible. My new life is a work in progress but I wouldn't change a minute of my past. It's made me who I am today.

(I'm working here, lol. I'm reading Sign Builder's Illustrated).

Quit Yer Complainin'

2009-04-26T21:46:00.002-04:00

It's time for me to fess up. I have been complaining and obsessing over my weight for the last 6 months. But, I wasn't doing anything about it. I still weigh myself every day and watch my weight fluctuate as much as 5 pounds a day, terrified that I will regain all that weight back.

I was very disciplined with my eating habits until just after Christmas. That's when my life spun out of control (more so than it had already been). I allowed myself anything and everything my big a$$ desired. I told myself that it was ok to comfort myself with food because of what I was going through, never giving much thought to what I was doing to myself. When I did become aware of the fact that I was much like an alcoholic in regards to my addiction, things became worse. I found myself doing things that were unhealthy and just down right idiotic. If I tried even slightly not to cave, the craving became worse until I finally gave in.

Strangely, in the past, I had found that I was not a stress eater. Before weight loss surgery, I would stop eating all together during stressful times. For some reason, this all changed and I'm not entirely sure that it was because of the surgery. This has been and is the most chaotic and unpredictable time in my life and I believe that has more to do with why I am eating.

About a week ago, I realized that I was not feeling physically well and my mental state was in the proverbial crapper. I felt exactly the same way I had when I weighed 384 pounds. I was the fat girl all over again, searching high and low for her next fix. Believe me when I say that nothing I was putting into my body was healthy. I was running on pure sugar and feeling like a meth addict, living life in a cloud. Recognizing the behavior made me feel out of control and hopeless. My scale told me that my weight was almost 20 pounds above my lowest weight (I was only there for about 4 hours) and 17 above my most stable weight.

I can hear some of you nodding your heads thinking that you knew I was going to gain the weight back. Trust me when I say that I will NEVER go back to that place in my head. I don't like it and I don't like me when I'm there. I worked way too hard to lose over 200 pounds to ever go back to those old habits. There's a fat girl in my head and I'm trying to kill her, but she just won't die!

Something changed in my mentality. I don't know if it was that I was feeling so emotional about myself and only seeing the ugliness, but I decided finally to do something about myself. I reloaded my daily food intake program and set about journaling what my recent day's intake of food looked like. I had stopped journaling in October when my computer crashed.

Let me tell you, the first day was eye opening. I ate over 4000 calories! 2500 of those were homemade chocolate chip cookies (I make the best according to the girls). I nearly threw up when I realized what I had been doing to myself. In order for me to continue to lose weight, I need to keep my calories at 1500 if I don't walk and 1700 if I do. I could see now how I had regained the weight.

The next day, I buckled down and kept exact track of what I ate and kept my calories at about 1200. Low and behold, when I jumped on the scale the next morning, I was down 3 pounds from the day before. I did great all week and this even continued on through the weekend. As of today, 5 days into it, I'm down 9 pounds.

So, I have new, old goals of continuing to lose weight at 2.5 years after weight loss surgery. I continue to work out 5 days a week and have been walking 2 days.

No more complaining without taking action first. I plan on keeping my head above water and enjoying the swim.

Where Was I?

2009-04-06T15:47:00.008-04:00

Life as a separated, single parent is just plain strange to me. Most of my friends don't call or make an effort to find out how we are doing. Their response is that they just don't know what to say. "We always thought you were the perfect couple.". I'm here to tell you that nothing and no one is perfect in this world.

For those people that assume that the dissolution of our marriage was based solely on both of us having weight loss surgery, you simply have no idea. Our problems started way before that. What I will say about losing over 200 pounds, is that it gave me the courage to know that I could venture out on my own. I knew at 384 pounds that the world was too mean to fat chicks and wouldn't allow me to live life alone.

Living life on my terms has empowered me to know that I can make it in this world. It has also given me moments of sheer terror about being all alone. I become panicked when I think about what I have to do totally on my own. Things like keeping up the lawn and taking care of the house. (I should tell you that Mr. Sign has given the house and most of the contents to me. He has been more than fair and for that I am grateful.) During these fits, I basically lose my mind and cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. I hate emotions, or at least hate showing my emotions. I've always been the strong one who was there for everyone else. I'm not used to having to lean on others for emotional support. God has put new people in my life to help me along this journey, since the old ones seem lost.

Only those that have been there seem to understand that divorce is worse than a death. At least with death, there is some finality. I find myself happy one minute and sobbing the next. Mourning a lost time, not necessarily a lost relationship. I miss the simplicity of married life. You know the one: Get up, go to work, come home and cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

Things seem harder because Mr. Sign and I remain friends and don't hate each other. Sometimes I think it would be easier to break that 21 year old relationship if we despised each other.

Some of you have asked how I'm doing with my weight. I'm going to be totally honest and let you know that I have regained about 8 pounds. This scares the crap out of me. I know that it's because I have become a stress eater. I am powerless over food. No matter how hard I try to avoid bad foods, the more they seem to call out to me, promising comfort from the evils of the world. The more I worry about eating, the more I want to eat.

Regardless of how bad I know it's going to be, I still weigh myself every day. I spoke with my weight loss surgeon and he assured me that weight gain is normal. In fact, most people gain back at least 20 pounds. I don't want to be that statistic. I am hopeful that with the approach of Spring will come a loss of appetite.

I also struggle with the fact that when I do lose weight, it is usually in my face. I don't like looking gaunt and sickly. I also don't like my big fat rear end. It's kind of a toss up, big butt or super skinny face.

Thank you all for your kind and sincere words. You have no idea how much it means to know that you are there for me during this turbulent time in my life.

I will leave you with a few pictures of the girls and me:

Great Expectations ~ Part Deux

2009-03-10T20:18:00.005-04:00

This is a continuation of the post below...

So where did I leave off? Oh yeah, we were telling our families that we were divorcing. That was interesting. My mom wanted me to wait to tell my grandma until after the holidays. When I called to tell her, she barraged me with questions about why we couldn't make things work and what our problems were. She gave no regard to my feelings and how I was dealing with all of this. Her concerns were about our family not being "perfect" anymore.

I should tell you that most people assume that the demise of my marriage was based on the weight loss. This would only partly be true. It's a fact that losing the fat gave me the courage to venture out of my comfort zone and know that I could try and do things on my own. I would have never even tried to go it alone at 384 pounds. The world is just too cruel to fat chicks. I remained comfy and cozy within my fat walls.

No, this mostly had to do with the fact that I had decided that I had loved the one I was with long enough. In the process of my self discovery, I encouraged Mr. Sign to find out what made him happy, knowing full well what that was. All I'm going to say about that is that he decided to chose and alternative lifestyle and I want nothing but happiness for him.

In the midst of all of this turmoil, I became ill and was diagnosed with something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. As I was reeling from this news, two days later, Mr. Sign lost his job, including all health care benefits.

I was beyond myself and felt so completely alone. I have never been alone for more than a day in my entire life. I can only say that I was as low as I've ever been to the point of almost not being able to function. I got through my day and spent the evenings and nights just sobbing alone in my bedroom. I had been seeing a counselor but could no longer do so without insurance. Great timing, huh?

Somehow, with the support of my family and friends, I was able to pull myself up and out of the darkness. I wanted to blog, but as a great friend and fellow blogger said, "You don't want people to feel sorry for you. You know they will if you tell them what's going on".

So, we had my measly income, two residences, double bills for everything and no way to pay for it. We spent much time together while he looked for a job. He wanted to spend as much time with the girls as he could. This was hard on us both. We had a hard time being around each other as it made things seem like old times. We finally came to the conclusion that we really needed to be apart for both our sakes. I should mention that most of this happened after our trip to Las Vegas, so basically just after the first of the year.

Mr. Sign finally got a job that is actually better paying so we were able to file the paperwork for the divorce. Since everything is amicable, the lawyer will file a motion of hardship which will push our divorce through in 60 days instead of 180.

Imagine that I was thrown literally into the dating world by a friend with good intentions. She decided that I needed to get out there and play the field. I haven't dated in over 20 years. My, how times have changed.

To sum things up, I'm stress eating, lonely, poor and confused, but I'm alive and kicking. I am ready to face the new big bad world on my own, but still have my moments of self doubt.

So what have you all been up to?

Great Expectations

2009-03-09T20:18:00.003-04:00

I'm not gonna lie when I tell you how bad I feel about abandoning this blog. Many of you know of my trials and tribulations. I'll give you the brief overview.

Over three years ago, Mr. Sign and I decided that we needed to work harder on our marriage. I wasn't happy, mostly with myself. My weight had gotten the better of me. So, we decided to have weight loss surgery together. This brought us together for a time.

Last Spring I started thinking about turning 40 and the fact that I had spent more than half of my life with one person and where did my life go. So, I did a lot of soul searching. In my quest, I realized that I needed to spread my wings and go forth with the life that my weight had compressed. I decided that I wasn't going to settle for being just "ok".

Don't get me wrong, I have led a very charmed life. Mr. Sign has been more than supportive of me for our entire relationship (21 years, 19 of them married). However, I realized that he wasn't entirely happy either.

So, I told him to go find what made him happy. I believed that in letting him go, things would be easy for me. I thought I wouldn't have feelings because feelings are messy and I don't like letting them show. And, things were easy at first. I was doing my thing and he was doing his. We decided to continue to do our own thing but to stay married for the girls' sakes.

This only worked for a few months when we both realized that it was too hard to go this route for everyone. Mr. Sign moved into an apartment that was closer to his job. It was an hour away from me and the girls. We decided that on weekends we would switch residences so that he could be with the girls and we wouldn't have to see each other. This worked well.

A few months later, we decided that we needed to formally separate. We hadn't told anyone that we had been separated since June. Again, I assumed that this task would be easy because I didn't want to allow my feelings to be involved.

Wow, this is getting wordy so I'm going to post this much and finish it at a later time....

Thursday Portrait ~The Dreaded Article

2009-01-21T20:13:00.005-05:00

I'm stepping out of hiatus in order to share this little tidbit with you. It's yet another reason for my complete break down.

Several months ago I told you all about being interviewed for a magazine. I was excited and nervous. I wrote up my answers and sent away my pictures. Apparently, the picture I sent was unusable. The writer called me while I was on a scaffold hanging a banner in the rain and told me that I had to get to her office to have my picture taken because the one I sent didnt' work. I drug myself there only to find that she had never used the camera before. So, I look like I have 2 foot tall legs and weigh more than I did before I lost weight. Also, I cannot take a flash picture with my eyes open to save my life.

I didn't misspell lose as loose or the spelling of my name Jenn. ;)

Click to read:

I truly appreciate all of your kind comments regarding my whereabouts. I'm pretty much just getting by. If I get up the courage, I'll share all of my woes with you. For now, I'll just tell you that my life went from fairytale status to the crapper in a matter of months.

Miss you all...

Hiatus

2009-01-07T08:15:00.003-05:00

As you can see, I've been neglecting this blog.
I need to take a little time to get my poop in a group.
I'm trying to learn to deal with the cards that I have been dealt.
Never fear, SignGurl is rarely down for long.
For I know that life will get easier (at least I hope it will).

I appreciate all of your support and concern.
Some of my best friends have been made here.

Be back soon...

Flash 55 ~ Take 57

2009-01-02T14:16:00.001-05:00

He gave her something she had never in her life had.

It was a thing that all humans need in order to survive
life as we know it.

She was reluctant to take it from him since it was such a
precious gift, but she knew she had to.

Self confidence is hard to find.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you
can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Few More Birthday Pictures

2008-12-29T06:25:00.003-05:00

These pictures were taken at the Ghost Bar on the top of the Palms Hotel on my birthday.

Check out the view behind us:

Here we are and I'm not really sure what we were doing. Too much alcohol:

I really will eventually get around to posting the story of the Las Vegas trip. Hopefully this week.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T21:50:00.001-05:00

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!!! Hope Santa brought you everything you desired.

Coming & Going

2008-12-22T19:25:00.005-05:00

We made it home from Las Vegas. I've been up for 40 hours and am headed to bed but I leave you with this. The city of Las Vegas made a little park around the famous Vegas sign. You used to only be able to drive by it:

I will hopefully find time to fill you in on all the fun and debauchery that was had by all.

Random Vegas

2008-12-20T10:02:00.004-05:00

Here we are on my birthday. This is me, Stacy & Becky. Becky bought me the tiara, which I've always wanted. Love it!

Here we are at the Ghost Bar on top of the Palms hotel:

I'm having a blast! Will post more when I have time, but keep watch up top for Twitter updates.

Vegas, Baby!

2008-12-17T00:27:00.001-05:00

I'm leaving, on a jet plane in about 10 hours. If all goes well, I'll be spending my 40th birthday in the most fabulous city in the U.S. I plan on partying hard and winning big!

Be prepared to receive drunken Twitter updates at the top of this blog.

I'll miss you all. Peace out!

Something Wicked This Way Comes

2008-12-15T10:32:00.003-05:00

Well, I did my best to fight off all the crud that my whole family seems to have picked up. Thought I had dodged a bullet only to be smacked right between the eyes with the most evil illness I've had in a while.

My throat had been pretty sore, but when I woke up Friday morning I knew I had better go to the doctor so I could be better by the Vegas trip on Wednesday. The doctor took one look at my throat and started writing a prescription. He didn't culture it but I was pretty sure I had Strep throat.

By the time I got to the pharmacy, I could barely breathe because my throat had swollen. The bubbly cashier in the pharmacy was not as helpful as I'd have liked her to be. She took my prescription and told me it would be 15 minutes. I'm thinking, "No problem, I'll shop around a bit". I went directly to the cold aisle and picked out a throat spray that said it was Maximum Strength available. I waited the 15 minutes but was growing more ill. The cashier then tells me that my insurance isn't working and "is there a problem?" This always happens since I rarely use my insurance card. I called Mr. Sign who assured me that he had just used his card there the day before and to have her recheck. She does and miracle of miracles, it works. They still haven't filled the RX so I'm stuck and having trouble breathing. I tell her that I have to use the throat spray or I'm going to die. She says, " You have to pay for it right now." Mind you, it's been 30 minutes and I'm ready to jump over the counter and throttle that pig tailed dim wit. I decide that jail time would only complicate my predicament and proceed to pay for the spray and use it. It does nothing! Great. So I've paid $10 for a spray that doesn't work, I can't breathe and I still don't have the prescription. Luckily the pharmacist sees my pain (in the ass) and fills the script right away and I go about my business.

Mr. Sign wakes up Saturday morning with a sore throat so I suggest he see a doctor as well. He does and tests positive for Strep. The doctor suggest that I come back in and be seen again for a strep test and to also bring the girls in because they may have it as well as it's highly contagious.

The girls and I spend 2.5 hours waiting only to find out that all three of us are positive and they believe that I need to be tested for Mono. I knew I didn't have Mono. All of my symptoms were classic Strep, but at this point there is no use arguing. After 3 stabs and lots of blood, the mono test comes back negative.

I can't swallow my own saliva. Every swallow feels like razor blades are lining my throat. I haven't eaten for 3 days. All I'm thinking at this point is that I better get better or I'm not going to be going to Las Vegas. I spend Saturday and Sunday in bed all day still not feeling better and having to take Demerol for the pain or I can't swallow. My throat looks like a science experiment.

My boss told me to stay home today and rest which I'm doing since I'm still exhausted. I'm so thankful that this hit me now instead of in Vegas. Unfortunately, I haven't accomplished anything I needed to do. But, I should be well rested soon.

Thursday Portrait ~ Good Old Days

2008-12-11T07:47:00.005-05:00

This picture was taken when I was about 3 years old. It's strange, because I can remember all of the things you see in this picture in detail. It seems like yesterday. Mom's pricilla curtains and dad's wooden magazine wrack. The rocking chair on the right was painted by my grandma who put my name on the back as soon as I was born. I still have the chair in my basement. This picture also lets you see that I had an obsession with my hair from a very young age and a penchant for stripped pants:

I believe I was about 5 in this picture. My sister would have been around 2 and a half. My grandmother always bought all of our clothes. They always had to match as though we were twins. My sister got the raw end of the deal because she had to wear my hand me downs, so she got very tired of the same prints. You can see the Jacobsens box in the background on the right. This was an upscale department store that I modeled for when I was this age. It was also where Grams bought all of our clothes. We were well dressed, even if mom and dad didn't have money.

Woot!

2008-12-08T06:07:00.003-05:00

In light of things not always being the way I would like them in my life, small things tend to make me happy. Even though it's Monday morning, I know it's going to be a great day. I got on the scale to find that I had dropped 7 pounds since Friday (I was up 4 pounds from lowest weight. My weight fluctuates +/- 4 pounds on any given day.)! I was sure it was wrong so I stepped back on the scale only to be greeted with the same number, 176.

Highest weight 384
Total pounds lost since weight loss surgery, 208
I am 4 pounds below my original goal
Highest BMI, 62%
Current BMI 28%
Highest pant size 36W
Current pant size, 10
54% of my total body weight is gone (I'm less than half myself)

So watch me as I happy dance and please feel free to join me.

Flash 55 ~ Take 56

2008-12-05T08:59:00.000-05:00

Turmoil ruled her surroundings but was
nothing compared to the chaos in her head.

The flood gates had been opened after being
rusted shut for years. She had been deprived for too long.

This left no doubt about the path her life would take.

There was no going back now. She was on a mission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday Portrait ~ Black Friday Shopping

2008-12-03T21:25:00.004-05:00

This picture was taken on Thanksgiving. The entire family spent the day perusing the Black Friday adds. Here we have from left to right: Me, Cousin K, Aunt Susan and Cousin L. Don't we look completely enthralled?

In case anyone really wants to know what I ate on Thanksgiving, I give you, my plate:

I couldn't even eat half of what I took, but it was all good!

19 Years

2008-12-02T06:14:00.002-05:00

I am reposting last year's anniversary post. Let's just say that my outlook on marriage is not what it used to be. That's all I'm going to say about that.

The repost:

It's funny how fast time flies. Today marks our 19th wedding anniversary. You can read about our wedding day here and read about how we met here.

I scanned a few pictures from our honeymoon in Aruba. Despite the fact that I had cracked ribs sustained from wearing a medieval torture device (i.e. long line bra) and Mr. Sign's case of food poisoning, we managed to have a beautiful trip.

Here we have me in front a poinsettia tree.
There aren't many pine trees in the tropics.
(Have you ever seen someone wear their pants higher than that? I probably didn't need a bra since my shorts covered my girls.)

I have no idea what was going on with that one sided braid.
Keep in mind it was the late 80's. Maybe I was starting a fashion trend?

The only thing nice I can say about this picture is that I'm super tan.

This is our cake. It was my favorite part of the wedding. It cost twice as much as my dress and tasted like sawdust, but it was gorgeous.

We paid a lot of money to have this picture taken so I have to put it in every anniversary post for the rest of my life.

We've weathered many crazy days with grace.
I can't imagine a day without seeing your face.

You've protected me like no one else would.
You helped me to see what no other could.

Thank you for these last many years
and for kissing away my glistening tears.

Without you, I don't know where I'd be.
I hope that you will forever stay with me.

End respost

*Big Sigh*

This And That

2008-11-30T18:33:00.005-05:00

We are supposed to get 8 inches of snow by tomorrow. I'm looking at the positive that I will build some arm muscles from all that shoveling.

The closer I get to going to Vegas, the more excited I am. I plan on living life to the fullest. Hopefully you won't read about me in the papers. On second thought...

Thanksgiving was a little strange. I feel like I don't fit in with my family anymore. They treat me so differently, but I guess I act differently. How can they know who I am, if I don't even know.

I'm trying to kill the fat girl in my head, but she just won't die.

People who didn't know me when I was fat don't believe that I used to weigh 384 pounds. Even after showing them pictures, they still argue that it can't be me in the pictures.

It's really hard to wrap my head around the fact that I look like I do. I spent 38 years looking different and it's hard to accept my own appearance.

I have hardly eaten for the last 4 days. I have no idea why I have no appetite. It's quite a switch from the last 6 months that I've been ravenous. The only thing I can think of is that I haven't exercised since Wednesday. I'm feeling sloth like and not needing calories.

I have been bestowed with several early gifts this week (anniversary, early birthday and Christmas). I got a GPS and a new camera.

A picture with the new camera:

Hope everyone had a great holiday and got all of their Christmas shopping done!

Thursday Portrait ~Thankful

2008-11-27T07:55:00.002-05:00

Every day is Thanksgiving for me. I have much to be thankful for and think about it daily. I have been blessed in ways that make me wonder why I am so worthy. I could list them but you already know most of them.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Did You Ever Have One Of Those Days?

2008-11-24T17:28:00.004-05:00

I can remember when I worked in a very professional office. Being who I am, I was always the entertainment, whether it was because of a wardrobe malfunction or because I was using gummy bears to demonstrate the Kama Sutra. My wardrobe malfunctions almost always resulted from my pantyhose. They were always too long in the crotch and bunched up at the ankles. Let's just say that this body was not meant to wear lingerie.

So one day, I did my business in the restroom and came strolling out all perky and happy go lucky when one of the vice presidents points out that I have toilet paper stuck to my shoe. I pretended like I meant to carry someone else's booty wiper on my foot.

But, the most embarrassed I've ever been was when I was wearing a skirt. I was in a huge hurry to get back to my amazing job so I wasn't really paying too close of attention. I came flying out of the bathroom and sashayed my big old butt all the way across the building, only to realize that my skirt was tucked into the back of my skirt. I was hoping that no one had seen what happened, but my hope turned to sheer panic when I noticed all of the mail room guys pointing and snickering as I put myself back together. That had to be quite a show, for sure!

Nothing could be more embarrassing than this, though...

I hope it wasn't used.

Bullets Galore!

2008-11-23T12:47:00.003-05:00

I've decided that using bullets is the ~~laziest~~ easiest way to blog for me right now. I'm not sure I'm able to make complete sentences, so bear with me.

The upcoming holidays are making me ambivalent for more than one reason. I wish I didn't have to put up decorations because I'm a Grinch at heart right now.

December is normally my favorite month of the year, but not this year. First we have our 19th wedding anniversary, my 40th birthday in Vegas, Christmas and finally New Years Eve. All of these festivities are leaving me feeling cold.

Every day I am reminded of how much I have to be thankful for. My girls amaze me every day with one thing or another. They are healthy, articulate, brilliant, beautiful, talented, loving etc. I could go on for days...

Both of my maternal grandparents are still alive and living on their own. I don't want to think about life without them.

My love for my electric blanket is bordering on insanity. I want to go to bed at 6 PM every night.

Do any of you read my Twitter updates at the top of this blog? I ♥ Twitter.

The fitness magazine has contacted me and now I'm having a hard time deciding which pictures to use. They have offered to take a new after shot, but I dread the idea of not having control over the picture. I am so critical of myself that way.

Most of you have no idea how much my life is really sucking right now. It's ok to be confused, because I sure am.

Could these bullets be more bi polar?

I have become one of the best music CD makers ever! My kids love me for that.

Thinking of quitting my day job to become a go go dancer (as long as I can keep my clothes on. Ahaha!!

People never cease to amaze me. I thoroughly enjoy watching their faces as they figure out that I'm not as dumb as I appear although I admit to using that to my advantage when playing Poker.

Dancing in my car makes me laugh, especially when other drivers are watching.

That is all for now. Toodles!

Flash 55 ~ Take 55

2008-11-21T00:01:00.000-05:00

The harshness of nature had taken it's toll on Melanie.
She had to drag gallon pails through deep snow
to the livestock. They counted on her.

She knew that because of tough times, she would be asked to make
a difficult decision.

Which one of her "friends" would she chose to feed to her family?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday Portrait ~ Baby It's Cold Outside

2008-11-20T10:11:00.005-05:00

This is me with a frozen face after walking 7 miles in 29 F temperatures.

I wore too many clothes and was actually too warm as opposed to the last time when I didn't wear enough. I'm going to get this whole clothing thing figured out before the end of winter if it doesn't kill me.

Walking in the cold was invigorating and beautiful. There is still so much to look at in nature. It's amazing how much the trails change in a day. I love being nature gurl!

P.S. I made that scarf. I've got to get back to knitting again. Cozies for everyone!

More Bullets

2008-11-19T06:20:00.005-05:00

I was getting my free pair of Victoria's Secret underwear, when a woman told me that she hated the style of underwear I was getting. She said that I liked them because I was "older". Grrr...

A friend made me laugh so hard yesterday that I almost wet my pants.

I love laughing so hard that you have tears streaming down your face.

Why do I always have to work outside when it's freezing?

The holidays are making me ambivalent.

My electric blanke t is all I think about all day long.

Walking in 29 F weather yesterday felt invigorating.

Raspberry flavoring is one of my favorites, however I can't stand real raspberries because of the seeds.

I am completely addicted to Face Book.

Driving on black ice yesterday made me remember who is in control and it was not me.

I am a very spiritual person, however I have no use for religion.

My life is moving at the speed of light and yet I feel like I'm standing still sometimes.

Tuesday Meme

2008-11-18T06:19:00.001-05:00

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing?
Yes!

2. Favorite late night snack?
Popcorn

3. Do you own a gun?
A BB pistol

4. What’s your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shop?
Water

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I love Kogel brand

7. Favorite Christmas song?
So This Is Christmas ~ John Lennon

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Protein shake

9. Can you do push-ups?
Only 2 at a time. I try every day

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
Wedding ring

11. Favorite hobby?
Exercising, Duh!

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
No

13. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
Lack of self esteem

14. The last disease you contracted?
Chicken Pox I suppose

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
I am dead tired
I can't believe I painted for 5 straight hours at work
Wish it were Friday

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Water
Protein drink
Crystal Lite

17. Current worry right now?
Money

18. Current hate right now?
People who leave you hanging when texting

19. Favorite place to be?
Under my nice hot electric blanket

20. How did you ring in the New Year?
That was almost a year ago and I can't remember. I'm old.

21. Like to travel?
Yes

22. Name three people who will complete this meme.
Anyone who has the wherewithal.

23. Do you own slippers?
Yes, and they are on my feet now.

24. What color shirt are you wearing?
I have three on in various shades of blue

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Hate them. Too slippery

26. Can you whistle?
Yes

27. Favorite singer/band?
Prince

28. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor?
Well, heck yes! I'm a tough broad.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Werewolves of London

30. Favorite girl’s names?
Haley and Lexi (there's a hint)

31. Favorite boy’s name?
Benjamin & Jory

32. What’s in your pocket right now?
My cell phone

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
A friend farting in front of me for the first time. Still laughing.

34. Like your job?
I love my job.

36. Do you love where you live?
Very much

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?
5

38. Who is your loudest friend?
My mother

39. Do you drive the speed limit or speed?
Speed 6 miles over the limit

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
I think maybe

41. What is your favorite book?
Where The Wild Things Are or Go Dog Go

43. Favorite Sports Team?
Slutty midget mud wrestlers (SMMW)

44. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Talking to a blogger on the phone

45. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today?
5 AM. Time to make the donuts...

Bullets

2008-11-17T06:15:00.007-05:00

I bought a size 10 pair of jeans a few weeks back. Granted, these are very generous size 10's but the tag says 10! My largest jean size was a 36W. In case you are keeping track, that's 13 sizes and 26 inches. Whew!

The fitness magazine still hasn't called me for an interview. I'm a little bummed that it might not happen.

My 40th birthday is next month.

Mr. Sign planned a trip to Las Vegas with my two best friends and my sister and her husband. His 40th is the day after mine so we will celebrate together at midnight.

A few months ago, I was looking forward to 40, but now I'm feeling old.

A guy, who must have been really drunk, told me that he thought I was 25.

I played poker this weekend and beat the pants off of 6 men. I love that they assume I'm an idiot because I'm blonde. Hehe!

It snowed here this weekend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Normally I love the snow, but I'm hating the cold that comes with it.

My weight seems to be pretty stable right now. I'd love to lose another 15 pounds but I'm not sure what drastic measures I would have to take to do it.

One of my best friends hadn't seen me in a while and tried to convince me not to lose any more weight. It's hard for people who are used to seeing you heavy. I am by no means as small as I need to be.

The girls went deer hunting this weekend and neither of them got one. #1 did get a shot off, but the deer was out of range.

Flash 55 ~ Take 54

2008-11-13T19:20:00.000-05:00

She wasn't sure she was ready to hear the answer
she was desperately seeking. She had waited so long
to know that her hands were shaking as she fumbled for
her phone.

She could barely contain her nervousness as she heard
the sound of an incoming text.

This was going to change her life forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overheard

2008-11-12T06:28:00.003-05:00

Walking through the mall with my friend, we noticed a kiosk selling body jewelry.

My friend said, "You should get your belly button pierced."

My reply was, "Have you SEEN my belly button?"

Friend, "No."

My retort, "Me neither!"

Hopefully this didn't lose anything in translation.

Blah!

2008-11-10T06:30:00.003-05:00

I had a pretty boring weekend. I did go and see friends on Friday night and after a great night of food and fun, went back to my car to find that it wouldn't start. Luckily for me, since I was an hour and a half from home, my friend let me stay with her. We went back to the car the next morning and got it started. The car has been acting up and I believe it has something to do with bad gas.

I'm really in a dismal place right now. Not looking forward to winter and the cold that it brings. The weather here was in the 70's until Saturday when the bottom dropped out and the high was 35 degrees. I love the snow, but the cold is going to be wicked on my now less fat body.

The situation I'm in has not gotten any better, in fact, things have become harder than I ever dreamed. I'm persevering to try and make things work as this whole thing involves not just me, but my family as well. Thankfully, I have some amazing family and friends who are keeping me on the better side of sanity.

So, please forgive me if you don't see me around as much. I'm trying to work on life right now as it seems to need my extra attention.

A Few Things

2008-11-06T06:44:00.004-05:00

I thought I would update on a few things that have been happening lately.

First, Mr. Sign and I had our 2 year weight loss surgery doctor appointments. Mr. Sign is still holding steady having lost all of his weight (136 pounds) in the first 6 months. He would like to lose another 25 pounds and plans on doing that. His biggest downfall is that he doesn't keep track of what he eats.

The physician's assistant high fived me when he saw my weight loss. He said that he could tell that I kept track of everything. He was strangely amazed at my progress (a loss of 205 pounds). He said that most people show a gain in the second year after WLS. I'm so happy not to be a statistic. My blood work came back excellent. The only issue I have is that he diagnosed me with Raynaud's Syndrome. This is something I will have to watch closely since I work outside in the winter. This was not a side effect of the surgery.

As most of you know, I have been on a mission to exercise and become more healthy as well as continuing to lose weight. Yesterday I was asked to be interviewed for Heathly and Fit Magazine as a success story. I will be featured in the January issue. (I also had my picture and a quote in Obesity Help magazine, but still have not received a copy.) It's kind of bizarre that people want to hear my story, but I'm very excited to share it. I want to focus on the support group that I head up and the fact that I'm trying hard to motivate everyone to get active.

This brings up the fact that I have become the person that made me want to scream when it comes to exercise. I hated people that talked about the high they got from exercise. I wanted to wring their necks when they jumped around with all their extra energy that they had gained due to exercise. Those people made me feel terrible about myself since I wasn't doing anything to better myself. I hope that I will be able to show people that you can turn your life around and feel better about yourself.

More Weekend Debauchery

2008-11-05T06:29:00.005-05:00

As I mentioned in the previous post, I was invited to go to my first college football game. I live about 4 miles from Michigan State University and have tailgated outside the stadium on numerous occasions, but have never actually been in the stadium.

After staying up way too late on Halloween and drinking more than my share, it was a little rough to get moving the next morning. We had to drive an hour to get to MSU because we had stayed in Grand Rapids. This meant we had to get up earlier.

The day was perfect weather wise. The temperature was in the low 50's when we arrived, but the sun was out and the breeze was slight. We walked a ways to get to the stadium. We walked up so many ramps to get to our seats that I was afraid I was going to get a nose bleed. I think this helped to rid my body of some of the toxins from the night before.

This is my friend, S, in all her MSU regalia:

I'm always impressed with marching bands, probably because I was in one once and know how tough it is. Here is the MSU Marching Band:

I normally am not a football fan because I have no idea what is going on in the game. Watching the game from our vantage point, I could actually tell what was happening. It was awesome!

I had my front pouch filled with crap and I look like I weigh 400 pounds in this picture, but it's the only one I have:

So, I loved the experience of watching a real game played. After the game we had to hustle back to the West side of the state to go to a party. Stacy's friends, who are now my friends had graciously invited me to their little soiree. I have to say that the food was simply superb. The host had made beef tenderloin that literally melted in your mouth. He had marinated it, rubbed it, and glazed it (how kinky does that sound, hehe?). You know how much I love a good piece of meat. All of the food was amazing and the company was even better. I didn't know a whole lot of people, but managed to mingle and have a great time, without imbibing in alcohol since I was still hung over. The drink menu was even more impressive than the food if that is possible. Much time and planning was put into this party and was aprieciated by all.

Now you can see why I needed an extra day to recouperate.

Here We Go Again

2008-11-02T19:33:00.010-05:00

This weekend was very social for me. My friend and I went to the bar on Halloween all decked out in our costumes (she was Tina Turner). I cannot begin to tell you how much fun we had nor how drunk I was. I paced myself but when alcohol hits my post gastric bypass bloodstream, it takes very little to do damage. I'm a cheap date.

It was very interesting to see all the different costumes. We met some fun people including our cab driver.

Here we are on our way out:

This guy was hilarious!

Me with the Reno 911 cop:

This guy really looked like Gene Simmons
and his wife was hot too:

I thought this was the best costume of the night, but maybe it's
because I love Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow:

Another Jack Sparrow and Twin Michael Phelps:

This guy was a hoot! He totally played the part.
My friend tried to seduce him:

This next picture lets you know just how drunk I got.
The guy sort of resembled Kid Rock, but I don't really think
he had a costume on:

A Phelps sandwich as we danced, but not on the dance
floor because it was too crowded at this point.

We made it home by 2:30 and had to get up early to go to my first college football game. ( I'll post a few of those pictures soon.)

It's always amazing to watch peoples' inhibitions dissipate while wearing their costumes. We took over 50 pictures. Many were not fit for viewing by the public. Let's just say that I have some under the kilt pictures and everything you've ever heard is true.

Hope you all had a great weekend. I need another day to recuperate from Friday.

Flash 55 ~ Take 53

2008-10-31T07:43:00.003-04:00

The sound of boots echoed on the pavement
as feet began to walk quicker.

Jamie hated feeling vulnerable as darkness
enveloped the entire street.

Out of the blackness, a shadow swooped down
and knocked him to the ground.

As her teeth sunk deep into Jamie's flesh,
he felt himself dying a slow, painless, sweet death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year. This year I'll be spending it with my childhood friend. We are dressing up and going to the bars tonight. Tomorrow she is taking me to my first college football game at Michigan State University (sorry G-Man). Tomorrow night we are going to a swanky party at her friend's house. It's going to be a great weekend!

Happy Halloween!!

Thursday Portrait ~ The Other Side

2008-10-30T06:49:00.002-04:00

We have all wondered what it would be like to be someone else. If you have straight hair, you wish you had curls. I decided to see what the other side of blonde was like.

I think I'll stick with what I've got. The grass isn't always greener.

Halloween Fun

2008-10-27T08:00:00.003-04:00

Mr. Sign, my sister, brother in law and I went to a great Halloween party on Saturday night. We were slightly concerned about the weather since it rained all day and the party was to be held mostly outside. The rain held off and we only had to fight the wind gusts (60 mph).

Some of you may remember this party from the last time we went. Things always get a little crazy.

Mr. Greek God and myself:

First time in my life I ever wore fishnet stockings:

The hosts take most of their furnishings out of the house and make it into
a haunted house with a twist. This lucky couple was being filmed:

Fresh baby anyone?

The host:

Mr. Sign, me, my sister as a gorilla, and my brother in law who was upside down man. You may notice his hair. It looked like a pubic afro to me:

I sold my soul to the devil:

A blurry picture of BIL, sister and Bin Ladin:

Me with Mrs. Bin Ladin:

A couple of friendly lesbians that were trying to get me to drink some pink tequila stuff. I was smart enough, or not drunk enough to not do it:

The bobbing for genitals contest (yes, that is the devil trying to help me cheat):

Rock out with your !ock out:

This is me and my crew bringing down da house:

(If you care to see more pictures, click on any of these and it will take you to Photobucket where there may be more pictures of hot lesbians.)

The last time I had looked at the clock it was 11 pm. The next time it was almost 3 am. How does time get away from you like that? I crawled into bed at 3:30 am with no voice after singing 50 songs and woke up two hours later with the hangover from hell. Is it any wonder since I have a drink in my hand in every picture? I'm way too old to do this kind of crap every night.

2 Years

2008-10-24T10:21:00.004-04:00

Two years ago tomorrow (10-25), I went into the operating room believing that if I died, I would be better off. I hated myself for what I had allowed myself to become. I weighed 384 pounds and was completely miserable. I knew that weight loss surgery was my last hope for a healthy life.

Being a 37 year old that could barely climb the stairs to her bedroom makes one learn to take control of her life. My children had only known me as super morbidly obese and had missed out on so much in their won lives because of it.

My life has changed in ways I never dreamed. Here is a list I compiled of things I wanted to do. I've done every one and many more.

I had planned on making a big deal out of this anniversary since I hit my weight loss goal. Unfortunately, because I still don't have my laptop, this will have to suffice for now.

December 2005, my friend Stephanie and me:

Summer 2005 just before I dumped this 350:

The next two pictures were taken by the talented Barman on a beautiful Autumn day:

(if you click on the pictures, it will take you to Photobucket to see the rest)

It took me two hours to post this from the old computer, so I'll try and tweek it a bit when/if I get my laptop back.

So, life is great, but strange at the same time. I'll be partying down this weekend at a Halloween party. I plan on having lots of fun on my special day.

Crap Top

2008-10-22T08:58:00.003-04:00

Everything was fine when I shut down my laptop last night. When I got up this morning and turned it on, it wouldn't boot.

I am such an idiot! My entire life, including finances and pictures of my children, is in that thing and I haven't bothered to back anything up in months.

The laptop is only 2 years old, so not decrepit yet. I certainly hope that my Geek can help me. If not, I'm going to have to break down and call the freaking Geek Squad.

I hope this all works out for the better because my entire week has been crap so far.

I Got Nothin'

2008-10-20T19:55:00.002-04:00

It's been one of those blah days where all I want to do is crawl into bed and stay there for no other reason than the dampness and cold. I'm not looking forward to bad weather. In fact, the thought of it this year depresses me. Not being able to run around without a coat on is really bumming me out.

How are you feeling about the change in weather?

Flash 55, Take 52~Patience

2008-10-17T07:55:00.005-04:00

She taught me more about life than any other.

Throwing me to the ground while standing next to me laughing.

Patience was a virtue when dealing with her. She had a mind of her own.

I didn't mind trudging through snow carrying pails of water because I knew she would always be there for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took a different walk yesterday. I walked from my childhood home to the small town where I grew up. Walking through the country was very enjoyable for me.

Along the way, I met a horse that looked exactly like the one my family had when I was a kid growing up (see picture above). My mom had just remarried and we didn't have two nickels to rub together. My stepdad had and enormous piggy bank that they decided to break so that they could buy a horse for us. I remember that the saddle was worth more than the horse. $250 for both. What a bargain, right?

What my parents didn't know was that the horse had only been half broken and then left in a field for 6 years. This horse had no manners.

My first challenge was to try and saddle her up. She would bloat her stomach out so far that I wasn't able to cinch the saddle properly. I would jump on the saddle only to end up underneath the horse.

It was hard as hell learning to ride on a horse whose only thought was to get you off her back. Her idea of a ride was to take me under the pine trees to try to flip me off. If I survived in tact on her back, she would then buck until I fell to the ground, sometimes losing consciousness. How I survived is beyond me.

The only thing I know is that that horse taught me more about patience than any other thing in my life.

Thursday Portraits

2008-10-15T19:39:00.002-04:00

Mr. Sign and I took some pictures on our walk last Saturday.

This one cracks me up because it looks like a Senior picture:

This one shows some of the beauty that is Michigan Fall colors:

Updates

2008-10-14T21:33:00.004-04:00

You have all been asking about my mom and Mr. Sign. Mom is doing awesomely. She is already back to exercising and has lost almost 40 pounds. She looks amazing and I can't express how happy I am for her.

Mr. Sign lost all of his weight in the first 6 months after surgery. He hasn't lost or gained a pound since. He is happy with his weight but would still like to lose a few more pounds. He works out voraciously every day and it shows. This also allows him to eat pretty much what he wants.

Here is a picture taken in June 2006 before we both had surgery:

This is what Mr. Sign looked like on Saturday during our walk in the woods:

Not too bad, eh?

Happiness

2008-10-12T18:32:00.006-04:00

Walking today, I had an epiphany. More things have gone seriously haywire in my life. I've had to look inside and dig deeper than I've ever had to.

I came up with this quote to help me learn to deal with life as it comes:

*My happiness is contingent only on the moment. At this moment, life is good.

Mr. Sign laughed at my quote but I really feel that it sums up the way I feel about life. To me, it means not looking at the past nor the future, but living in this moment in time, learning to be happy with what I have right now.

*I'm pretty proud of this quote and the fact that I came up with it all by myself. I always failed quotes in English class

Mr. Sign and I went for a walk last night and took some pictures that I'll be using later this month for my 2 year weight loss surgery anniversary. Some of them look like Senior pictures.

We also got the chance to have dinner together at the Irish pub.

So, at this moment, life is good....

Flash 55, Take 51

2008-10-09T23:46:00.003-04:00

Watching the crescent moon rise reminds me that fall is in the air. The crispness of the air and the smell of dry leaves crackling under my feet makes me feel like a child again, about to fall into a giant pile of colors.

Fall colors give way to my favorite time, snow play, yay!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday Portraits ~ Family

2008-10-08T21:13:00.004-04:00

Most of you know that I walk every night. I use this time as my "me" time and walk alone. Tonight I took daughter #2. She was a trooper and did 5 miles with me in an hour and a half. Not bad for a beginner. We had so much fun looking at all the beauty that is nature around us.

I give you, Number 2:

I had to strip down for a bit:

There is a story behind this spot. The fence is new this week (and it irritates me). Normally I walk along this ledge every day. At it's peak, it's about 5 feet off the ground and it scares me to do. I try to do something every day that scares me. This spot is famous since you can see the R.E. Olds mausoleum behind me. I have spent time just sitting in this spot to collect my thoughts. It's quiet.

I love this kid!

Cloud 9

2008-10-07T21:07:00.005-04:00

The last couple of days I have felt rather manic despite having a cold/sinus thing going on. I cannot believe that reaching my weight loss goal has made me feel so awesome. I suppose it's because I've never in my life reached a weight loss goal. It just feels goooooood!

My social calendar is quite full this week. I'm looking forward to a couple of dinner dates with friends and a lunch date with a guy from high school that I haven't seen in 20 years.

Today I walked wearing my new work boots. This wasn't such a great idea since I now have little skin left on the bottoms of my feet.

It felt good to run and so I did. I was able to go faster and farther than ever before, even wearing the boots. I feel so alive when I'm walking or running. The exercise heals my soul. Addiction transfer has never felt so good. (I'm referring to a phenomenon that happens to many weight loss surgery patients when they have to give up food. They transfer their addiction to something else. Sometimes it's sex, alcohol, drugs or gambling, etc.)

I'm still here, working on my issues, but trying to see the brighter side of life. :)

Someone Somewhere Is Smiling On Me

2008-10-06T07:25:00.004-04:00

This weekend was very relaxing for me. It was a much needed respite from all the chaos that is my life. Imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning to find that I had lost 5 pounds (I was up just a smidge from my lowest). This puts me 1 pound below my original goal for a total loss of 205 pounds, having started at 384 pounds. Whoa, that is even incredible for me to hear.

My new goal is to lose 15 pounds more. I'm not sure how attainable that is, but I'm going to work at it. Considering that a surgeon guesses that 20-25 pounds of me may be extra skin, I am close to being at a normal weight. I've never been normal about anything I've done. Almost normal feels gooooooooooood!!!!!!

Roughing It

2008-10-04T00:08:00.001-04:00

~edited 10-5-08 to add: I originally wrote this post for my own benefit never expecting to publish it. I accidentally hit publish and this was posted to Google reader. I immediately received emails and comments about where it had gone. I decided to post it since many had already seen it. ~end edit

Life has been more than slightly strange for me for over a year. I've talked in great depth about not knowing who I am based on my extreme weight loss and the way others treat me. People talk at me instead of to me. Sometimes I feel like an object rather than a person. It's easier to stay silent than to try and prove that I actually have a brain and know how to use it (although sometimes that statement is questionable).

There is a lot going on with me right now that I'm not able to share with you all. Just know that my entire life is in complete turmoil. My ultimate goal is to keep things sane for my children. This is proving tougher than I thought. Let's just say that I'm learning what I'm made of.

Most of my life I've fought the idea of going to a counselor but decided that it was time to try and figure out how to fix what is wrong with me. I'm not exactly sure that these sessions are helping much. The person I'm seeing really has no inkling what I'm going through on some levels. Not all of my issues are based on weight loss and I'm hoping to get a better grasp on them.

This whole mid life crap is for the birds. Why do we have to look ahead to tomorrow? I've been living the last couple of years by the seat of my pants, never making any commitments to anyone beyond a day or two. I don't know what my future holds for me so I can't make plans that I may have to break.

There is much in my life that I am very thankful for. I realize that people have problems much worse than mine and I feel like mine are trivial in comparison. Yet, there they are, staring me in the face, begging to be dealt with.

On the positive side, I have amazing friends that are there for me whenever I need them. Without them, I may have been confined to the nearest loony bin. So, if I seem kind of distant and haven't visited you in a while, please don't take it personally. I'm trying my hardest just to stay afloat.

Flash 55, Take 50

2008-10-02T20:23:00.001-04:00

Jamin knew what he wanted the moment he saw it.
A plan was concocted to bring his desires to fruition.
His attempts were valiant but satisfaction was not immediate.

Food was the way to a woman's heart. Jamin laid his trap.
She was almost his but remained just out of his reach.

Here kitty, kitty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday Portraits

2008-10-01T19:37:00.005-04:00

Last night I was driving home and noticed that our capital building was brilliantly lighted with both the sunset and it's own lights. I decided to park (in a no parking zone) and try and get some pictures even though I didn't have my real camera.

I was running around like a tourist, standing in the middle of the street with my camera out, clicking away:

I'm titling this one, ALL YOU ZOMBIES. How freaky do I look? Ahaha!!!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2008-09-29T20:22:00.003-04:00

I had a fabulous weekend. Friday was a paid day off for a job well done. My first ever at my sign making job.

I cleaned the whole house and did all the laundry and still had the afternoon to do a little retail therapy. I found some great buys and was absolutely thrilled to find that I could buy clothes right off the rack.

When I got home, I tried everything on for my family. As I was slipping out of my new black slacks, I was wearing my new knee high boots (side note, I've never been able to wear knee high boots because my legs were always too big to fit), new lacy underwear and black bra. My youngest daughter, who is twelve says, "Mom, that outfit makes you look like a hooker." Huh? What did you say?

I started laughing because I knew she was right. So, I put on my shorts and tank top and had Mr. Sign take our picture.

What? You didn't think I was going to show you my skivvies did you?

Flash 55, Take 49

2008-09-25T22:15:00.002-04:00

Three years had made a difference in her life.
Her world had changed in ways she had never dreamed.

Words on a screen had given her the piece of mind
she needed.

The friends she had made were priceless.
They picked her up when she was down and celebrated
her triumphs.

Happy 3rd blogging anniversary!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today marks my 3rd year of blogging. I cannot imagine my life without it. Blogging gave me the courage to change some things that I really disliked about myself and I'm so grateful for it and all of the amazing friends I have made along the way.

Here is my first post:

Wondering How I Got Here....

Wow, just realizing that life is passing me by and quickly. Seems like just yesterday I was 15. Now I'm approaching middle age! Funny how we become numb to everyday life. Just moving through it but not really living only maintaining.

I have searched my soul and decided to make some changes in my life. I'm attempting to overcome my obsession with food addiction. I have for years stuffed whatever I wanted into my mouth without fearing the outcome. Now it's time to start being responsible for ME.

I'm attempting a starvation diet of sorts. I am only eating one meal a day. That meal can consist of whatever I want (still can't tell myself no) only in very small portions. My goal is to become anerexic (of course I'm kidding). It seems to be working. I've lost 14 pounds in 10 days! I'm ecstatic!

It's truly amazing how things have changed. Thank you all! *wipes away a tear*

Thursday Portraits

2008-09-25T07:25:00.004-04:00

I was going through some old pictures and decided to scan a few. I apologize for the quality. I can't figure out why they are so grainy.

This is #1 and me taken on a wagon train trip 4 years ago.
Yes, we rode on wagons for days behind teams of mules and horses.
My biggest let down was when it was time to go horseback riding and I was too fat:

SignGurl in action taken in 2003:

Another wagon train picture taken after camping
for 3 days with no electricity:

My senior year in high school taken in Orlando, FL in 1987.
I was really shocked at how heavy I was. I didn't feel that fat then.
I weigh about 15 pounds less now than I did then:

This is me today:

My weight held me back from doing so much. Every day I find something else that I can do that I couldn't before. Life is good!

Difference

2008-09-22T19:17:00.005-04:00

What a difference a week makes in the park where I walk.

You may remember this picture from my flood walk:

This is what the path looked like today:

You can see how wet the area still is. I like the smell because it reminds me of Spring. I think Mother Nature is confused. I know I am.

I pushed myself to walk a different part of the trail tonight.
I was surprised to find a sign that told me how far I had walked:

I ended up walking more than 6 miles. I'm so amazed at how easy it is for me to push myself a little further every day. Keep in mind that I worked out in the morning and then worked standing on my feet all day before walking. My energy level can only be compared to dynamite at this point. I thank myself every day for having the courage to change my life by having weight loss surgery.

Flash 55, Take 48

2008-09-18T20:19:00.001-04:00

She had never enjoyed change.
Life spun around her,
but she normally ignored it.

Now, life was begging her to pay attention.
It was time to set some goals as
to where the future would propel her.

What would she do? Where would she go?

Even the crystal ball did not know, how would it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday Portraits ~ Family

2008-09-17T20:19:00.003-04:00

I'm forced to make you view more pictures from my cousin's wedding.

Here are my girls and me.
Don't they look just like their daddy?

This is one of my cousin's and me:

And some more cousins:

Can you tell we are a close family?

Predicament

2008-09-15T20:58:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I have to stop and wonder how I get myself into stupid situations. Today was one of the best examples.

Our area has received over 6 inches of rain in the past couple of days. Thank you, Ike. The rivers crested today several feet above flood levels. The park where I walk is surrounded by rivers and as I drove there today, I could see that Mother Nature had bequested her wrath on our city.

I have some issues when it comes to challenging myself. I try to do something every day that scares me. Today was no exception. I threw caution to the wind as I started on my walk. Water was over the path just beyond the parking lot but I was able to easily get around it.

The amount that the river had risen was amazing. It was hard to tell where the river banks had once been as the water spilled over. I was easily a mile and a half from my car when I noticed more water where there was no way around it. I decided that it wasn't going to kill me if I got my feet a little wet. The water was only a few inches deep as I began to wade through it. A few inches quickly became twelve and then went above my knees. I was positive that the water would not get any deeper so I stayed the course.

I hadn't paid attention to how far I had walked until I looked back across the water. I took notice of where the path ahead of me had once been. The water got deeper, almost reaching my special girl parts. This is when I panicked. All thoughts went to the fact that flood waters always mix with raw sewage. My skin began to crawl. I am a major germophobe (I buy hand sanitizer by the gallon).

Somewhere, there is a path where I used to walk:

At this point, I became painfully aware of how people drown in floods. The current was tugging on my soaking pants as logs banged into my legs. I am an excellent swimmer but my biggest concern was that I was going to get my cell phone wet. I had to calm myself down as I took a break from walking. Water was everywhere around me and I could no longer tell where the path had been. I almost cried when I got over the bridge that I was sure would be dry on the other side. All I could see was water.

I took out my phone and tried to keep myself from calling for help but quickly realized that I was the idiot that put myself in this situation. How stupid was I going to look?

I had this brilliant idea that I would climb this gigantic hill to get out of the water. I knew that the cemetery was up there. I pulled myself up and made it out of the water and didn't even fall.

I walked back, passing several joggers as my shoes squished. They gave me the strangest looks when they saw that my pants were wet all the way to my hoo ha.

From now on, I will heed all flood warnings and steer clear of Mother Nature. My mother warned me about getting in the water before I left. I guess mothers are pretty smart when it comes to these things, myself not included.

Mom's Big Day

2008-09-14T20:58:00.005-04:00

My mom had gastric bypass surgery on 9-12-08. I was there to support her. She was a bit nervous as one would expect when you are rearranging your innards for the rest of your life.

This is me, Mom and my sister before she went into surgery:

This is our rock star surgeon:

Mr. Sign, Dr. and me:

Doc and me (I was so nervous being next to him):

The surgeon was very impressed with my progress. He said he had seen my weight loss website (email if you would like the link) and thought it was great. He also wanted to know how I was still able to lose weight at this late stage of the game. Most people only lose weight for the 18 month period after surgery. I explained my food and exercise regimen. I really do work hard at this.

Anyway, my mom did great through the whole surgery process. She was a star patient and was up and walking 2.5 hours after major surgery.

I spent the night with her in the hospital so that I could help her do what she needed to do. I didn't sleep much, but it was all worth it to be there for her. She was released less than 24 hours after her surgery. She is home and doing awesomely. I can't wait to watch her progress.

Flash 55, Take 47

2008-09-11T19:50:00.001-04:00

Debbie knew the pain would be terrible.

Her life was changing.

Why had she chosen this form of mutilation?

She knew her daughter would take good care of her during this ordeal.

The last thing she remembered was kissing her daughter on the cheek before she awoke to her new life after weight loss surgery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mother is having Roux En Y gastric bypass surgery tomorrow. This is the same surgery that Mr. Sign and I had. The same surgeon will be performing Mom's.

I will be staying with her in the hospital to take care of her and get her going on her road to better health.

My happiness for her is hard for me to contain. She's waited so long for this and has watched me shine. Now it's her turn. I love you mommy!

Thursday Portrait

2008-09-10T19:03:00.003-04:00

I was perusing the SiteMeter and found that the Red Cross website featured my blog (along with others) because of a post I had written about September 11, 2001.

On with the Thursday Portrait...

I have found a new love:

Sugar Free Slurpees!! Yay!!

My new love makes my tongue red:

Wedding Weekend

2008-09-08T16:43:00.005-04:00

My 1st cousin on my mother's side got married this past weekend. It was a beautiful ceremony that my whole family was involved in. The girls handed out the programs and bubbles and Mr. Sign was an usher.

I got the nerve wracking job of being in charge of the music during the ceremony. Before you go all, "Holy crap, SignGurl sings!", let me tell you, they paid me not to. I just had to play the right music at the right time. I was up in the belfry sweating bullets that I wouldn't press play and hear "Baby's Got Back" as the bride walked down the isle. Luckily, everything went very smoothly.

Here are some pictures from the rehearsal and the wedding.

These are my cousins and me waiting for direction. The bridesmaids wore pink shirts with their names on them and the groomsmen wore blue to the rehearsal:

Because Mr. Sign works too far away, I had to fill in for him during the rehearsal. This is me escorting my aunt down the isle to be seated:

I was also chosen to be one of the decorators for the reception:

The bride was absolutely beautiful (yes, I took this picture. Pretty good, eh?):

The bridesmaids were equally gorgeous:

My grandparents cleaned up pretty nicely:

Our family didn't look too bad either:

Me and my sister:

Here is a picture that has never been done in my lifetime. It's my step dad, me and my dad:

My sister, mom and me:

The bride and groom:

Whew! There are so many more, but I'll leave you with these pictures for today. I may post more this week.

Flash 55, Take 46

2008-09-04T18:51:00.009-04:00

As the gentle rain falls on the last leaves of summer,
I'm reminded of the changes that are occurring around me.

Summer will soon turn to autumn. Our long walks on the beach will be distant memories. The way you touched my sun kissed skin will be buried deep in my mind.

Please don't leave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven't done any weight loss pictures in a while. I had #2 take some this morning before I went to jury duty (check back next week for that story). Even though I've only lost 11 pounds since April, I was amazed at how much my body has changed. That's what working out like a crazy woman will get you :)

(All pictures can be clicked on to see the full sized image.
There is a button on the left side in the Photobucket site that lets you see the full size)

I think this set is the most telling of how far I've come.
I cannot believe I'm the same person:

I did not believe this was me when I downloaded the pictures.
I cried when I saw this picture:

I cried for the person I used to be and I cried for the person I've become. I'm trying to learn to overlook all of my imperfections. I need to be happy with the way I look. I should be ecstatic since I've defied the odds and lost more than any doctor ever dreamed I could. I should dance a jig that I've gone from a size 36 pant to a size 12. I should delight in the fact that I can contort my body in ways I'd never dreamed since losing over half of my body weight. I should scream "Hell Yeah!", every morning when I jump on the scale and see that I'm still down more than 200 pounds.

I forget who I am sometimes and still feel like the fat woman that I once was and have a hard time understanding why people are treating me so nicely. It's not until I look in the mirror that I remember that I'm not her anymore. The problem is, I don't know who I am...

Thursday Portrait

2008-09-03T18:48:00.002-04:00

Last week I spent 6 hours on top of a scissor lift in the top of a high school gymnasium. It was hot but also fun.

This was the view I had from the top. Notice the light that is now parallel with me. See how tiny the doors look? Those are tall doors:

This is the record board in the process of having the boarders stripped
because someone wanted to have them black instead of orange. This design is a collaboration between my step dad and me:

Here we have part of the football team that visited with me for about an hour. I have no idea what the guy on the floor is doing:

This is a view of the scissor lift when it was in it's lowest position. You still have to climb a ladder to get on top. This is also a picture of the finished board. The size is 10 feet high by 16 feet wide, just to give you some idea of the hugeness of this thing:

Here I am looking all dorky on top of the lift. It's a little blurry
because my cell phone sucks:

Civic Duty

2008-09-02T14:26:00.003-04:00

You would not believe my day! I am on jury duty this week so I left early this morning to get a parking place downtown. Parking places are few and far between.

I jump in my van and turn the key and it turns over but won't catch, like it's not getting gas. I'm thinking, "Awesome! Now what do I do?"

So, I decide that I'll ride my bicycle. I went to the garage to get my bike and couldn't find the lock.

I called daughter #1 who has already left for her first day of her Junior year, but she doesn't answer. When she finally calls back I tell her it's too late.

I've never had to rely on public transportation but at this point I feel I have no other options. I walked to the bus stop and waited 40 minutes but the bus never came. I walked home and tried to start the car again and nothing.

I'm panicked by this time thinking I'm going to jail on a bench warrant. My neighbor sees me but doesn't know who I am because he doesn't recognize me (this is the neighbor that wouldn't talk to me when I was fat, or at least he wouldn't look me in the eye when he did). I'm nearing tears at this point and I beg him to take me downtown. He does and I have 1 minute to spare.

I forgot to mention that my stomach has decided to rebel and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to be more than a minute away from a bathroom. This is the price one pays for having her innards rearranged in order to lose weight.

Sitting in a room with a couple of hundred other lucky people made me realize that everyone had some issue with being there but I decide to make the most of it and enjoy the day.

I see this really nice looking guy that seems very friendly. He decided to sit by me in the courtroom. BONUS!!!

12 were chosen so I'm sure I'm off the hook but they decide because it's a criminal case that they want 2 alternates. I end up being juror #14. I made it through voir dire and get to serve on a trial expected to last until next Monday. Joy!

We get to hear opening statements and 3 of the witnesses before they dismiss us for the day.

In the mean time, my step dad has left me 4 messages about the computer at work. I have never had a day off where he hasn't called me *sigh*.

It was way after lunch time so I walk around downtown and get a great Greek salad. I think I'm going to walk home but it's 90 degrees and I'm wearing heels. I pass the bus station and decide to give it a try. There are some real characters there who decide to heckle me a bit, but I handle it well. I've never ridden public transportation in my life. What an experience!

I make it home and decide to try one last time to start the car and the bitch starts!! I'm guessing it was water in the gas. It has happened before. Grrrr...

All of this happened before 2 o'clock. I am afraid for what the rest of the day holds for me.

Flash 55, Take 45

2008-08-29T08:17:00.001-04:00

It is amazing how three little words can change your life.

Words can make your stomach fill with butterflies
and wonder how you will go on. Your head spins and
the ground below you moves.

The world will never be the same.

Be careful with your words. You never
know how they will affect someone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Margaritas, Anyone?

2008-08-25T21:12:00.000-04:00

I had a great time this weekend. Friday night was spent at a girls' margarita party with my family. A few of us ended up spending the night. There was more food than any group of 38 could ever have eaten.

My aunt's Chihuahua was our mascot for the evening:

This is my aunt making the good stuff:

My mom on the left and a friend that
she worked with 20 years ago
(half of my grandma is on the far left):

My friend and her mom on the swing.
Isn't it cute how they cross their legs the same?

My friend (from kindergarten) me all sweaty and gross (It was 98% humidity and about 90 degrees out in my defense. A lot of jello shots later, I realize that when I'm drunk, I smile so big you can see my gums), and friend's mom.
Can you say drunktards?

This was taken a little earlier in the evening, but
I still have that gum thing happening:

The following night I got to attend a pig roast. The food was to die for. I've never seen such a spread. I ate until I nearly burst.

If you are offended easily, don't view the picture of
what was left of the pig:

This is me before we left for the barbecue.

I bought a size 12 short and a large top. This was mind blowing considering when I started this journey, I was wearing a size 36 pant (that's 11 sizes!) and a size 5X shirt. For the first time ever, I actually felt like I looked ok.

I felt almost confident when I walked into the party even though I hardly knew anyone. No one knew my secret that I was normally the fattest person in the room.

Flash 55, Take 44

2008-08-22T01:59:00.002-04:00

As they lay on their backs with the sun
streaming over their bodies, they knew
that things would never be the same.

There was no going back from this point.
The guilt they felt would stay with them
forever.

How could they explain this to everyone?

Why does junk food have to taste so good?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight I will be partaking in a girls night out margarita party. This is an annual event that my mom and aunt have. We will be spending the night at my grandparents pond, eating s'mores and drinking around the fire until the cows come home. I can't wait!

Have a great weekend!

Cute As A Bug!

2008-08-19T07:59:00.001-04:00

Maybe you all remember that #1 got her driver's license about a month ago. We have spent the last few weeks trying to make 2 cars work for 3 drivers. What a pain!

So, yesterday, we became the proud owners of a Volkswagon Beetle! Woot!! I've always wanted a bug since I was a little girl. My dad drove a lime green one with a moon roof in the '70s. Ever since then, I was hooked.

The only issue we have with the new car is that it's a 5 speed and #1 didn't know how to drive a manual transmission. Being the super cool mom that I am, I took her out (after her father had screamed and yelled and totally intimidated her) and taught her how to drive that little beauty. She was impressed that I could burn rubber. That car has some get up and go.

We live in one of the busiest cities in Michigan so I'm not quite ready to let her go just yet. I'm taking her to work with me today so she can practice in the country.

In the meantime, I think this will be my car for a bit. I've named her Spunky. I think the moniker fits.

Points I've Pondered

2008-08-17T11:00:00.001-04:00

In my sick little mind, I've been coming to grips with who I'm becoming. It seems that metaphors are popping up all over.

I find that I think of myself as hard on the outside and soft on the inside. By this, I mean that I tend to show a tough exterior because I don't want to allow others to see how truly vulnerable I am. I have a hard time sharing my own emotions, but an easy time trying to help others feel better about themselves. This goes along with my need to please others instead of myself.

The reverse is true also of my physical self. I'm soft on the outside, but tough on the inside. Thank you extra skin! I've been working so hard to try and undo the damage that I've done to my body for 30+ years. I compared myself to a lawn chair this morning. When you sit on them, the straps stretch and sometimes never go back to their original shape. Especially if someone really fat is sitting in that chair.

I realize that extra skin is better than fat. I KNOW this. It's just hard to compartmentalize the fact that no matter what you do, surgery or not, your body will never, EVER, be the same as it was at 18. The stress that two babies and 200 extra pounds does to one's body is incomprehensible. I need to stress again that I know I really don't have skin issues as bad as most people who've lost as much weight as I have. I have to remind myself that in clothes, I don't look half bad. Now if I could just convince my brain of this.

Mr. Sign and I have been doing some heavy tête-à-têtes lately. He is concerned that I'm losing too much weight. He's not the first person that has said that. I need to realize that without all the skin, I'm really probably at a good weight for me. My current weight with the skin is less than I weighed in high school.

I had to ask Mr. Sign if he was really concerned for my health, or for the fact that people notice me now. I believe it may be a little of both.

I do have some issues right now with hair loss and dark circles under my eyes, both of which are symptoms of malnutrition. This is my third go round with hair loss. I've even been accused of being either bulimic or anorexic. I assure everyone, that neither is true. I keep strict track of what I eat, every single day. I know that if I don't, the weight will easily fly back on with a vengeance.

It's hard living life now under the microscope. I know that people were watching what I ate before I had weight loss surgery, but now, jeez! People seem to be enthralled with what and how I eat. Why they care is beyond me. I feel like the circus came to town and I'm the main attraction. "Look, Johnny! She's eating chili. How many crackers did she put in there?" Argh!!

It's my life and I'm just trying to make it work for me.

Flash 55, Take 43

2008-08-14T21:01:00.005-04:00

Her pulse raced as thoughts flew through her head.

She worked up the nerve and began her decent into madness.

She had never broken so many rules and she liked how it made her feel.

The nerves tingling throughout her body made her know she was alive.

Who knew rule breaking could feel so good?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On my walk today I decided to break the rules. A new path is being made with bridges that are still not open to the public.

I decided to push aside the barriers:

Climb over the caution tape, steel girders and fencing:

and make my way along the new path with the wind blowing my hair wildly:

After I had finished that, I decided to completely throw caution to the wind and climb inside the Michigan Cat bull dozer. Thankfully, the keys weren't in it or I'd probably be in jail right now:

I passed a friendly little snake:

My next rule to break will be to swim across the lake to the island
(please save up money to pay for my bail):

Thanks for taking a walk with me today! Have a great weekend and remember to answer that phone when I call for bail money ;)

Skin Issues

2008-08-13T00:41:00.000-04:00

Herein lies my biggest issue of the moment:

I've Got Nothing

2008-08-12T07:08:00.003-04:00

Not a whole lot has been going on in my world lately. Work has been a little slow. All of my projects have been put on hold.

I used to have no problem staying home doing nothing. I spent 10 years raising the girls, working only when Mr. Sign wasn't, so that we didn't have to put them in daycare. I worked cleaning houses, sometimes up to 12 per week. There always seemed to be something to do then.

Now, if I'm home, I feel useless. Maybe it's because I don't weigh close to 400 pounds, but now my house is easier to keep up and my laundry is always done. I hadn't really thought about how much easier my life is physically since losing weight. I used to have to plan my day around staying in the basement to do the laundry because I couldn't run up and down the stairs. How pathetic is that?

I have been able to work out a lot lately. I'm still exercising at Curves and walking between 4 and 6 miles a day. Walking in the evening has allowed me much time to get my thoughts together. I am addicted.

So, today I'm going to work on my tan and my freakishly blonde hair. The sun is zapping all the color from it.

Have a great day!!

Flash 55, Take 42

2008-08-08T07:28:00.001-04:00

She began this journey long before I did,
only to have to watch me dance and shine
from the shadows.

She has supported me every single step of the way
even through her own frustration.

Now, her day has come and I'll be there to support her.

Good luck with your weight loss surgery, Mom!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday Portrait

2008-08-07T07:34:00.003-04:00

I give you a little piece of the paradise I've enjoyed over the last couple of weeks.

Drinks by the pool:

A view from the dune I climbed
on the shore of Lake Michigan:

View off of the diving board:

Me, totally relaxed in the anti-gravity chair:

Ahhh....don't you feel better now?

I'm Totally Mental!

2008-08-05T19:54:00.007-04:00

***WARNING!! This post contains pictures of me in my underwear before I had surgery. It's not a pretty sight. You have been warned***

Remember Ed Grimley? I must say, I'm totally mental! I've been searching my brain for some answers about who and what I am. Soul searching, some might call it. It could be my age as I near the big 4-0 or it could be the fact that I'm a completely different person than I was two years ago, both mentally and physically.

I cannot convince myself that I'm okay at the weight I am. I still want to keep going because I was thinking that I needed to be closer to 150 pounds. I had an epiphany after my oldest daughter poked me on the bone that was protruding from my shoulder and said, "Your bones are popping out all over, Mom. That's disgusting!"

Her comment got me thinking about the fact that I weigh around 180 pounds, but a plastic surgeon guestimates that the excess skin I have is about 25 pounds. That puts my weight at 155 pounds. How crazy is that?

The comment also got me to thinking that my girls are having a hard time dealing with the new me and all of the attention weight loss is bringing me. I know it's hard on their evolving self images. I remind them that I had weight loss surgery because I wanted to be healthy and be able to participate in life with them, not for vanity purposes.

Back to the skin issue. I thought I wouldn't have a real problem with excessive skin. After all, skin is better than fat. I've started building muscle underneath the skin and that makes me ill to look at. I work out as hard as I possibly can, trying to make the skin go away.

I really don't have nearly the issues that most people who lose over 200 pounds do. Some have skin that hangs nearly to their knees. I know I am very fortunate, but it still bothers me to know that if I had it removed, my stomach would be completely flat.

The biggest problem lies in that I would need to have my stomach, arms, breasts and thighs done. This would cost big money that I don't have. I also don't have the time to take to recover from this kind of surgery.

I cannot believe I'm posting this picture,
but this is exactly what I looked like before surgery
(it doesn't get any worse than this, folks):

This is what I'm left with after losing 202 pounds:

My brain only sees the hanging skin that is left. I thought that after losing this much weight I would be able to look down and be happy with my body. This is not the case.
I'm working on learning to deal with the aftermath of super morbid obesity on my body and psyche. (I may need help coming to terms with the fact that I posted this before picture, ugh!)

Another Day In Paradise

2008-08-04T07:57:00.005-04:00

I got the chance to run away again to my friend's house in Holland on Lake Michigan. Friday night we played the poker tournament and I came in 3rd which gets you absolutely nothing. I had a great time despite that. We didn't get to bed until 4 AM. We decided that we are getting too old to party like that too much.

Saturday we relaxed by and in the pool the entire day. It was heavenly. I told my friend that all of my worries and anxiety were at the bottom of her pool.

Yesterday, my friend's friend took us out on his boat. This boat was purchased new by his grandfather in 1951. It is a wooden boat which paves the way for some great double entendres. So we all laughed about getting to ride the woody.

There were no waves on the big lake, Lake Michigan, which is unusual. I've never seen so many boats speeding around. It was just a gorgeous day.

This is me after swimming to the beach:

Me again:

My friend and me:

Friend enjoying the ride:

Two sunburned dorks:

View of the dunes at the Blow Out in
Holland, Michigan (taken while moving):

Me and the captain:

Me and S on the woody:

We finished off the night with dinner. This was mine,
Asiago, spinach and artichoke dip with toasted pita chips:

This was another introspective weekend that allowed me to try and figure out where I fit in this world.

Back to reality...

Flash 55, Take 41

2008-08-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

She stepped into the room with trepidation.

"I'm not used to doing things this way," she whispered.

"I don't want to hurt you."

Her hands shook as she picked up her tool of the trade.

I felt confident that she could do the job.

The drill whined as the dentist drilled my tooth without anesthesia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was inspired to write this since I had to have an old filling replaced yesterday. I had asked the dentist ahead of time if she would do it without anesthesia. She said she really didn't want to so I explained that it took 8 or more hours for it to wear off and that I had a really high tolerance for pain. I had to promise that I would let her know if she hurt me.

I'm not kidding when I say that the dentist was nervous. I mean, her hands were shaking. I assured her that I had had this procedure without being numbed several times.

The entire procedure took less than 5 minutes because she didn't have to wait for me to numb up. It didn't hurt. Both the dentist and her assistant said that I was tough, haha! The receptionist called me a rock star, which was weird because she was the third person in 2 days to call me that.

Hope everyone has a great weekend! I'm off to play in a Texas Hold 'em tournament. Wish me good cards :)

Thursday Portrait

2008-07-31T07:48:00.006-04:00

Ladies, have you ever had one of those days where you rethink your wardrobe, but it's too late because you are already on your way to work? Yesterday was one of those for me. I found a really cutastic (borrowed from Big Pissy) tank top really cheap. It fits me like a glove everywhere but the bust. Let's just say, I'm busting out of it, pun intended. Luckily, I had a hoodie that matched and I ended up wearing it in the 90 degree heat. Every man I came across wanted to know why I was dressed for winter. How could I explain that it was because the girls were hanging out?

Anywho, here is a picture that doesn't really show the severity of my boob faux pas:

I had the weirdest conversation with my step dad who is also my boss. He claims now to know everything about super morbidly obese people. *eye roll*. I let him know that he would never know what life was like until he had doors slammed in his face, was invisible and publicly ridiculed on a daily basis.

I explained that I'm still the same person inside, just different outside, only now, people want to talk to me because I'm not crazy fat. He claims that I am different now. I guess I agree, but only because people treat me differently now and that makes life much easier and tends to change one's outlook.

I was looking at pictures from a year ago and was startled to see how much I have changed physically.

Here is a picture taken last year with G-Man, me and Barman on July 4th:

Pretty crazy huh? I guess I really couldn't see the changes until I saw the difference, even since last year.

Holy Cow!

2008-07-30T08:20:00.004-04:00

I had a most awesome day yesterday. I went to the dentist and then took the girls and #1's boyfriend (I can't believe she's dating) to play laser tag. We had a blast! I held my own against all those sweaty teens and hot dads (*waggles eyebrows*). I went for a late walk that turned into a jog and was able to cut 1 minute off of each of 4 miles. Not too shabby!

I weighed myself as usual this morning, only to find that I've lost another 2 pounds. Happy dancing ensued. That puts me at 182 pounds with a loss of 202 pounds. As a friend put it, I've lost 2 Back Street Boys, hehe!

I'm just waiting for my bubble to burst.

I Am A Loser

2008-07-29T08:27:00.005-04:00

When I started my weight loss journey, I was happy with the thought of weighing less than 300 pounds. I sheepishly set my goal and was quite sure I'd never see it. As the weight started to drop, I became more optimistic that I'd weigh somewhere in the low 200's. For most people, that sounds like a lot to weigh, but when you started at 384 pounds, that's a reasonable goal.

Most of you know that I've been working out voraciously. I pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of, pushing through the pain. I was beginning to believe it was all for naught. I couldn't seem to get the scale to move, nor get my inches down. Something told me to stick with it.

Imagine my surprise and excitement when I got on the scale this morning to see this:

In case you are not a math wizard, that is a loss of 200 pounds!! Woo hoo!! My BMI (Body Mass Index) started at 62% and is currently 29.7% which means that I am no longer super morbidly obese. I'm just overweight. Can you tell I'm jumping up and down?!?!

I continue to be amazed at what I can accomplish. When I see something I want to attain, I'm going to go at it for all I'm worth. This has been the most incredible journey to finding out what I'm really made of.

Ahhh!!

2008-07-28T07:34:00.002-04:00

I got a text from my friend who lives on the West coast (of Michigan) on Saturday evening. She invited me to come over and enjoy her pool and spend the night. How could I pass that up? No kids, no husband, no worries.

So, I literally threw my crap in a bag in less than a minute and was on my way. I remembered when I got halfway there that I forgot my pajamas (probably because I never wear them, ever).

I cannot tell you how awesome it was just to float around the pool while my worries and troubles dissolved in the water. Could have been the alcohol helping with that, not sure.

This friend is the best friend I have in this world. We went to kindergarten through high school, so we are closer than my sister and I. We got to reminisce about old times and the times to come.

Sunday we spent the entire day in the sun. I was sun drunk. I had not given a thought to home and all of my responsibilities until I realized it was 5:30 pm and I had an hour and a half drive home.

I called Mr. Sign and he gave his blessing for me to spend extra night. Lucky for me, I don't have to work today so everything worked out just perfectly.

I'm just going to chill a little more until I have to be thrown back to reality.

Flash 55, Take 40

2008-07-25T00:01:00.001-04:00

"Come on, let's get moving," she said.

This was the moment he had dreaded since
the first time they had met.

He knew she was not going to be easy on him.

With trepidation he began to move as his pulse
began to race.

"Let's log some walking miles!"

This was going to be tough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday Portraits

2008-07-24T00:00:00.000-04:00

Here are a few more pictures from this weekend.

My cousin, family friend, me, aunt, two cousins:

Me, my uncle's daughter, and my aunt's daughter:

I have no idea what dance we were doing. I'm on the left with two
cousins who are sisters:

I have absolutely no explanation for this one:

So today I surprised myself by walking 7.8 miles in one hour and 45 minutes. I just kept walking and could have gone further but decided I better not push any harder than I already had. It's pretty unbelievable to me that just a few months ago, I could barely walk a mile. Look at me now!! I love the life that weight loss surgery has enabled me to have. I feel better than I have ever felt, and that's what it's all about, baby!

Pictures taken along the 7.8 mile route:

Cellular Devices

2008-07-23T08:39:00.002-04:00

I've had a Chocolate for a little over a year. I love this phone because it's an MP3 player with headphones that you can also make calls with. This comes in handy at work and when I exercise.

The first two phones sucked and I demanded that they give me the newer version. I had that phone until the screen went blank on Saturday night at the bachelorette party.

It could have had something to do with the fact that I didn't have pockets in my dress so I used what every woman has the advantage of using instead, my bra. Well, lets just say that when the temperatures are above 85 degrees, it's Salsa dancing night and raining, some moisture might just happen to get into said cellular device. I kind of left that part out of the story when I went to see my buddies at the store.

Lucky for me, the manager decided that I deserved a new phone free of charge. I was sweating it, because to replace the phone would have been $189. After 2 hours spent in the store sorting things out, I went on my way with my new one.

The new phone seemed to work, at least until I tried using my brand new head sets (I bought 2 last week on sale). It sounded like someone was yelling into a tin can. If I twisted the jack, it would work, but I had to hold the cord. What a pain!

I again braved the store where you lose hours of your life to find out what was wrong with the phone. I was pretty sure it was the port. I told this to a lovely young lady who was getting ready to leave for the day. She did not listen to me and would not listen on my head set. Instead she used hers (which is ok by me because I don't want her germs anyway). She said that hers worked fine and that she would give me new headsets.

She gave me the new headsets and said, "Thank you, goodbye". I asked her to wait while I tried the new headsets. Surprise! Neither of them worked, to which she rolled her eyes.

A wonderful technician guy was working and he told me that he would check out my phone. He even listened on my headset and said, "This is crap!" It must be your port. Thank you!! I've been saying that for the last 45 minutes.

So new guy gives me yet another phone (my 5th) and the two new headsets. I was so thankful to him that I bought an extended battery for my phone that should last much longer.

I'm hoping this one last longer than the last four.

Bachelorette Party Pictures

2008-07-20T21:47:00.001-04:00

Saturday we had a bridal shower for my first cousin. After the shower, we had a bachelorette party on the river boat. I would have taken some boat shots, but it was pouring buckets of rain.

Did I mention it was Salsa night? I'm in love with Salsa dancing. I can see why this kind of dancing is so seductive.

The girls all decided that they were going to wear brides maid dresses. I told them that I would in no way, shape or form wear one. I've never been a bride's maid so I wasn't about to go buy a dress. Well, that idea evolved to wearing cocktail dresses. My cousins, the sisters of the bride to be wore dresses that were my grandmas from the 1960's and their mother's wedding dress from a previous marriage. Strangely, their dresses looked up to date. I was the only one wearing my own dress.

Here is part of the group arriving in the rain:

Group shot (this is only part of the group)
on the staircase up to the second deck:

Here I am already half in the bag with the bride to be:

Here again is the Bride 2B chewing on a candy g-string:

Me and my cousin (in grandma's dress) imbibing in jello shots. I sneaked them in in a giant thermal bag. We did get into trouble for having them on board, but the captain said that as long as he didn't see full ones sitting around, it was ok :

My beautiful cousin on the right, from Cali, wearing her mother's
wedding dress from the 70's:

I spent an hour sewing all of these Lifesavers on a shirt. The shirt says, "SUCK FOR A BUCK". The idea is that guys pay to suck a Lifesaver off of her shirt. The unfortunate part was that no one partook in it:

The woman in the middle took it upon herself to try to teach some of us super white people the basics of Salsa dancing. She was really patient and easy to follow. Notice the concentration look on my face. I was either trying not to pass out from too much alcohol, or I was actually trying to get the steps down. Oh yeah, that's a friend on the left who is very pregnant. She was awesome enough to be our designated driver:

Here is the view from the 2nd floor that overlooks the dance floor. I'm not looking really happy here. I think I was mad because the meth addict that was bartending was on break and the other bartender barely put any alcohol in my drink. I also had just figured out why all those men were standing above us. Quite the view down, eh? The guy on the right is my aunt's friend's brother:

The Bride 2B's sisters and me, apparently losing my dress, but not spilling a drop of my drink:

We stumbled off the boat after 2am. The girls all decided to come into my house and all of my cousins ended up in bed with Mr. Sign. He looks really upset to be in bed with the Bride 2B passed out and 4 other lovely ladies:

After the girls left, Mr. Sign and I decided to do a little 3 am swim *wink wink*. I'm too old to party like this every day.

Flash 55, Take 39

2008-07-18T08:51:00.007-04:00

Every morning I wake up and loathe the thought of using you.

You make my life miserable in more ways than one.
My children cannot use you, therefore I am forced
to use you more than once a day.

I've tried to replace you, but engineers had
another big idea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here. If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyone else annoyed by the new milk containers? They are flat on top, which I understand makes them easier to stack in the trucks and stores. The issues start when you try to pour milk from them. It dribbles down the sides and leaves that disgusting milk crust on everything. Forget letting kids try and pour their own milk. All those years of training down the tubes. I'm having to retrain myself.

This weekend will be busy once again. I'm helping with a bridal shower tea tomorrow during the day for my cousin. I'm making cucumber sandwiches and cream puffs. Should be fun doing all that baking when the temperature is 96 degrees outside.

Tomorrow night is the big bachelorette party. All my crazy cousins will be in attendance. We are going on the river boat. The last time I ended up being the baby sitter for my aunts and grandma. Grams was drunk, something unusual for her, and she was out dancing with the 25 year old hot guys. Go Grams!!

I have the jello shots made and I'm planning on trying one on myself. Mr. Sign will be my chauffeur, whether he knows it or not. Look out world, SignGurl's on the loose!

Have a great one!

Feeling Groovy

2008-07-16T07:03:00.002-04:00

My weight has been fluctuating a lot lately. We spent a weekend at my friend's house in Holland and I didn't get much protein. I also had 2 alcoholic beverages. When I weighed in on Monday, I had gained 8 pounds! I knew that most of it was water since my cankles were super swollen. Still, I was terrified.

I got right back to my normal routine with food and exercise and was able within 6 days to get back down.

I know now that if I don't keep my calories below 1700, I will gain weight.

It's frustrating because after 20 months, I just want to be done and in maintenance. I'm 10 pounds from reaching my original goal of 180. I'm not sure I'm going to look any different at that weight. Hell, I may just look more hideous since I seem to lose all the weight in my face.

I'm still working out like a fiend. I feel so guilty if I don't do it every day. I do 3 days a week at curves and walk 4-6 miles a day, 4 times a week. The walking is really my favorite since finding the most awesome park that has walking trails back into the woods. I crave going there to find peace and quiet every day.

Who would have ever thought that I would be such a freak about exercise? I really do feel so much better when I do. I used to hate it when people said that. I guess I was jealous.

Anywho, I'm here and still working on being a loser and loving every minute of this new and improved life. I feel sexy and almost beautiful at times. I never thought I would feel this way.